Sandi, I appreciate your comments and I think you're right even though it hurt to read your words. I started this thread not intending for it to be as flippant as it has become on my part and it doesn't represent how intent I am on significant, long term and meaningful change because, like you said, it's necessary. I know my husband is hurt and broken and I know it's because of me. It has only been three weeks so of course I'm not finished learning my lesson. There is still lots of soul searching and self reflection to do and I'm up for the work. I know he needs to see evidence that my changes are REAL and lasting and not a ploy for his recommitment. I know. I know. I really do know. I am lost and struggling and grasping for sure but my path is becoming more clear to me about what I have to do as far as change within myself so that *I* know I am ready for a R of ANY kind. I am in individual therapy as well as talking to a DB coach regarding all of this. I have a plan, solid but achievable goals and, I hope, a support system via this board. One breath at a time I will make the necessary changes, find out why I was such a monster and develop methods for me to cultivate further personal change.
Secondly, my bitterness is waning because I'm understanding more and more every day how that holds me back. There are times for anger and frustration and it's important to find healthy ways to release those emotions but I know this isn't some kind of quick fix. Repairing years of damage takes time and if anyone is bitter, it's my H. I understand.
I appreciate you calling me out, Sandi. The truth is sometimes hard to hear.
