mlc rut

[pbetra]

>> after the death of his father, suddenly wanted to "make up" for all the bad things he had done to my W all her life. The thing is, for him to accept HER, she had to leave me as he said she was "wasting" her life as a mother and wife! <<

Hi Matt165,
Thank you for your helpful post! It's comforting to read other stories where common experiences meet. I can definitely relate to so much of what you wrote.
8 years re: you! How are you?!

For me, your W's experience was really sad to read of .. so young, so abandoned, & with a lenghty & calculated D, weaved by her father. And now this, the re-emergence of her father in HER life. So selfish (& 'sick' - he had his 'turn' ... to marry, have a family & has denied her that experience). It's no wonder she's in crisis & unable to break free. It's almost as if she were frozen in time, then awakened by his return & picked up where she left off - even though so much TIME elapsed in between.

I guess she isn't "wasting her life" anymore fulfilling HIS needs/wants & being controlled - incredible. I know of these types of people who fall off your 'life map', & then simply 'show up' in their old age, often when their sitch is less than ideal. In his case, age & illness. If W's father was wealthy with an elegant European socialite living the good life - Swiss Alps, Bora Bora, Kenya, Seychelles ... I doubt she would even be aware of his eventual passing!!

It is interesting how much stronger the negative of the two parents (also w/people generally), impact on individuals. You see, I was also reading how much more we are are likely to cycle negative experiences over positive ones. Apparently evolutionary development! Our ancestors were not the ones who looked at the world positively . They were negative and they SURVIVED & here we are!! (will fall off cliff, get mauled by bear, bitten by snake). No 'Disney thinking' here. Of course, we don't need that anymore with the level of information & progress we enjoy today, but like many evolutionary developments we still carry the 'wiring'.

When I read of your W, you are right, I don't know if she is strong enough to shake him off or get through MLC. He's manipulating the heart & mind of a little girl.

>> It's about the influences our S's families have had and are still having on their psyches. The push and pull of wanting their parents love and acceptance vs. living their own lives. <<

I will remember this, as it is beautifully put. Your thinking is 'dead on'. Regardless of what we did/didn't do, if the damage is there & buried, a life transition period will eventually trigger & open the Pandora's box of the MLCer's miserable history. Unfortunately, since the parent(s) 'breaks' their self esteem, then the parent can effectively heal hurt feelings or NOT.

My H's mother is still trying to get her way, even in old age! The difference of course, is that we no longer have her in our life, unlike your sitch.

I am not familiar with your sitch (4 now) but you seem to be doing well?
Until next time, take care, p.