What are your interests, your passions? What are maybe some things that you felt you put aside for the sake of your marriage, that were important to you, personally? Sports? Music? Any volunteer work? Other?
What makes Shodan, Shodan?
Great question...one of the issues in our marriage had been that I was pretty obsessed with martial arts. I practice 2-3 nights per week and sometimes weekends for an hour. I quit it when my W dropped the D bomb on me. I realized that it had been taking me away from my family, my W...I was not present and left her by herself a few nights per week. It caused me stress at work b/c I wanted to get things done so i could go practice not be with my family and W. So, I cannot go back to that. Hence why my 180 was being devoted to my family and my W. But with the affair, being devoted to my W would not be a GAL move.
Then I'd advise you work it back in 1-2 nights per week, or find a way you can still do it and still spend time with the kids?
You want to find maybe one or two things you used to do for your wife, that you now do for YOU, without apology. Nothing overboard.
You have a HUGE advantage here, the way I see it Sho. (and I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but bear with me . . . ) Most people come here to the Infidelity section of this community in a quandary, because they know (about the spouse's affair), their spouse KNOWS that they know, and yet they haven't really had any chance to do all the self-improvement stuff.
So they're left with "If I confront, I come across like an a-hole, my wife says 'See? More of the same controlling Shodan!'" or they ignore the 500-lb. gorilla in the room, continue to DB, doing the dishes, the laundry, rubbing their wife's feet and basically doing the cuckold thing. To which the wife things "Blccccch; that is SO unattractive! Why isn't he fighting for me? Why is he allowing me to do this, and being so passive and WEAK?"
YOU on the other hand, just by chance, got to do what sounds like an awesome "Plan A" (self-improvement and marital improvement), and THEN found out about the affair! You can now play a harder stance that you could have otherwise, in my opinion, because your wife has SEEN what a "brand new marriage with Shodan" would look like, if she decides to end her affair.
So if you pull back in the opposite direction now, she'll know it's clearly in response to her affair, and your own self-protection. Don't get me wrong, she won't actually SAY that, and, you know, give you CREDIT for it . . . but I think you're perfectly safe in pulling waaaayyy back here.
That's just my opinion. Others here do advocate a softer stance, in fairness.
