Thanks Starsky, this is SO hard. I felt like I had been making some inroads by DBing, showing her through my actions that I had changed. It seemed to have been working and had been my plan until Sunday when I discovered the A. Until then, my plan had been to stay the course, make small talk from time to time, etc. In fact, I BBQ a great dinner for her on Friday (and for the kids) and sent her a text with a pic of the steak and two glasses of wine. She responded "Yay, on my way home." So to learn that she has been having an affair was a total punch in the gut. I know this is the right plan. It just is creating a hole in my heart and stomach right now.
Thanks again for your help.
I know, and I'm sorry for the short posts before. I had to take my wife for some pre-op tests, but I wanted to check in on you so I was on my iPhone. I myself went thru this 7 years ago (I'll post a link to my sitch later), so I know what a kick in the gut it can be. I personally felt like a truck ran over my chest and then just PARKED THERE.
Don't worry about all the DBing you did -- IT WAS NEEDED! You said yourself that there are things you did to contribute to the marital dysfunction. So it was important that your wife see your positive changes before you took your strong stance -- that is good!! Harley calls this "Plan A," and MWD calls it "be the better option," but it's the same concept -- you show the wayward spouse your BEST SELF before (if they don't turn away from their infidelity) issuing your "I won't remain in an open marriage" boundary.
You did great. LET HER TWIST for awhile; she is GOING to push you to try and find out what you're thinking, but DON'T ANSWER. If it's in person and you have to, just say "We both have some decisions to make, and I have a lot to think about" or something vague like that. Be a broken record and repeat the "I don't want a divorce, but I WON'T live in an open marriage" line and end the convo.
You can do this. Your family needs a hero, bro, and right now it's NOT going to be your wife. Time to go "Papabear."
