Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[BigMac]

Sandi2, Labug. I brought up the those items (the OP, the debt, the refund) for a couple reasons.

We work in the same in industry (at the same conference right now, which has it's challenges. In the circles we are in it was becoming common knowledge, however she had been casual about it. Then recently cleaned up any evidence online after I had mentioned it to her mother (bad move on my part, I am not not talking about anything to the MIL). I felt like I was looking weak (I felt weak) by not acknowledging it. I am taking back some power. I am drawing a boundary here that I will not accept negative interactions based on hiding lies. I'd rather address them and show compassion. That is my choice on how I want to live my life. This is also a big 180 from earlier in our relationship. I used to be the worst at passive aggressive behavior about these things. While she learned the hiding and lying from her mom, my actions in our marriage just made it worse.

It's not that I accept it, it's that I understand. Our marriage wasn't working well. We both had problems. Our communication sucked. We had all sorts of challenges over the past couple years. I have made the decision that this is going to be a year apart. Even if tomorrow we choose to reconcile (which is very unlikely to happen) I want us to live in different houses for this year. To date, work on therapy, and build the rest of our lives the right way. But most importantly, I'm doing really good with my changes. Yes life is super hard, but I am growing so much. I don't want to shortcut this growth. I need it for me, I need it for the family, and no matter if we end up back together or not, I need it to be fair to my W.

Up to this point, past the fires of the original break up she has been pretty nice when we talk on the phone or in person. Last week when i was in the new town looking for a good neighborhood to live in she found out I was there. And asked me to lunch to give me some packages of mine she had forwarded.

I could tell she was being eaten alive waiting for me to say something. She was grimacing, and frankly a bit mean. In our marriage this same pattern would happen. She would do something "bad" and then hide it and feel guilty. That would escalate into a pattern of negative interactions on her part towards me.

I just wanted to nip the negative interactions in the butt. Also, it was just eating me away inside. I have chosen to be compassionate. To not control her. To stand firm in my own life and break the habits of co-dependancy (I have a hard time, but get better every day).

My hope was that by brining this stuff to light, we could at least address the elephant in the room and work towards continuing the positive interactions. We are both adults, and parents, and we were friends for so many years. I know that she needs to go work this stuff out, and I am busy working myself out too.

Sandi2 - thanks for the advice to stop talking about my changes.
She did give me a text that she doesn't trust me with her emotions, and she doesn't believe my "big changes" because of the difference from what she hears from others. I guess at the end of the day she just has to see them consistently right? Even if she doesn't though, I am really starting to sink in that these are for me.

I am not trying to pressure her, though I caught myself getting drawn into her parents demands that I control her and fill their roles as parents. I pushed back by reminding them that they needed to parent her, not me. Honestly though, I just need to avoid them. Nothing good ever comes from my interactions with them.

Great point about keeping a separate life. When we first split, I was broken. She wanted us to get apartments in the same complex. I agreed back then, but changed my mind. At lunch I told her that I was not going to live in the same neighborhood. That I was going to live in a place that fit me. it was funny while talking to her though, that I had explored more of the new town and met more new people then she had. And she has been out there for three months. I take that as a win for the changes I have been making. My social anxiety is starting to wane. I can walk up to a group of people and talk to them just fine. I am pleasant and outgoing most of the time now. I feel me coming back.

My life is becoming better as I disconnect and gain my self respect back. I am getting more and more visibility into our mutual challenges that led to where we are today. I am keep oscillating between the sad moments, and the happy moments. But every day a bit more of my true self creeps back in. And most importantly I'm doing it on my own vs just falling into the arms of another person. I am not perfect, but I am proud of myself. I want to keep this ball rolling.