Which particular question(s)? Maybe I overlooked them. Sorry.
To answer your questions...
I want to save the marriage because I realize that I do in fact love her, and I also don't want my kids to grow up in a divorced household.
Not sure I understand your question regarding cheating. But let me take a stab anyway. I stopped cheating simply because I came to the realization the destructive lifestyle that I was living and I came to terms with the fact that I did have an addiction. I have been clean for almost three years now.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Also, I haven't read DB. I'm just starting DR. I've also had three phone coaching sessions, with three more on deck (one tomorrow).
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
25, they all had lots to say and you didn't respond to any of them. I'm not referring to particular questions, it's just unusual to post to a board and then not respond to people.
You cheated on her with escorts, right?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'll go back and address their posts shortly. I think I just overlooked them before because I was on moderation and found it frustrating so I gave up posting for a while.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
What are the ages of you and W? Do you know the age of OM?
42 and 39. OM is 40.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
When you referred to the underlying issues in your M, did you mean your cheating?
That was the big one. The broken trust due to the cheating. There were other ones too like lack of communication. Also, she felt that I never stood up for her or had her back, particularly during conflicts with my parents. I was rarely appreciative of her efforts. She felt she gave everything into this marriage, and I was simply the beneficiary. She feels she got nothing back in return.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
What happened to cause her to enter into this A? Was it payback, result of neglect from you.......what?
It wasn't one particular thing. She insists it's not payback.
She says that she didn't mean for it to happen. She said she didn't actively seek out the affair. The OM revealed his feelings to her after months of trying to hide it, and then it made my wife realize that perhaps she felt the same way. She wasn't sure what she was feeling and didn't know how to talk about it with me. Eventually, it became an EA turned PA. She said that it made her realize just how unhappy she's been in our marriage.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
These conversations she's having with you recently, is this pillow talk or does she just drop it out of nowhere?
We talk almost every night after the kids are in bed. Some conversations are better than others. Some conversations lead to arguments. I try my best to follow the "37 rules" but it's hard when I'm having heart-to-heart conversations regularly. This is one of the things she felt she was lacking previously -- real open and honest conversations with me. So by me having these conversations with her is sort of a 180, but I need to proceed carefully.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
These boundaries you listed, are they being honored now?
The original 2-month agreement is out the window. I'm giving her all the space and time she needs now.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Just to be honest here. What makes you the moral authority? I mean you cheated on her multiple times and then you told her that you never really loved her, etc. I mean, I have a feeling you just swept things under the rug without really understanding how much she hurt over what you did.
You're right. I did sweep things under the rug three years ago and focused on working on myself -- fighting the addiction to that lifestyle I was living, and being faithful to my wife, and being a good husband. It's not until now that I truly understand how she felt (now that the shoe is on the other foot).
Originally Posted By: MrBond
I notice you focus ALOT on what she's doing wrong now, but haven't really addressed your problems that caused it. I have a feeling that she never really got over the A's you had and still can't trust you.
I have addressed my problems that caused it. Perhaps I didn't articulate it well here. It was ultimately my specific actions that led me to where we are today, but there were underlying problems in our marriage that we both had a hand in and didn't recognize. Yes, she never did get over the As and still can't trust me. I just wish she communicated that with me in the last year or two. We could have addressed them. At the same time, I should have taken responsibility to continually ask her about her feelings.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
For her to have let OM into her heart was the direct byproduct of her losing faith and trust in YOU...do you see that?
I do.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
- The OM (co-worker) is her boss. They can both get in serious trouble if this is found out and it could put a black eye on their careers.
- The OM recently received a job offer which will locate him out of state. WAW indicated previously that she has every intention of following him, but only after a year (she would need to get things settled here -- selling the house, etc.). She indicated that it is 99.9% certain that he will accept the job. Shortly, he will be flying down there and they will be physically separated for several months. He will be flying back occasionally only to see my WAW and his kids.
- Simultaneously, my WAW is seeking employment elsewhere. They both want to get out of their current place of employment because they recognize the volatility of the situation.
- We have a family vacation coming up in a month. She has indicated that she is on the fence about going. If I push her to go, I think that's counter-productive. But if she asks if it's ok to still go, do I allow her?
So with the impending physical separation (for long stretches anyways) between my WAW and the OM, when will I know is the right time to make even slight attempts at pursuing?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I was mostly reserved yesterday evening when she came home. I didn't ask her at all about her dinner with her best friend (the one she told first about her situation).
Last week, I asked her on a couple of days if I could make breakfast for her. She declined. This morning, she asked if I want to make her breakfast. I obliged.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
