Harsh is good Barrybran. It's what I need to hear.

You're right, I don't believe in myself at all. I keep proving over and over that I can't control my emotions. It's certainly something I have struggled with all my life. At 40 years old I have a hard time imagining I can turn this ship around, especially in this situation that is the MOST emotionally intense of my life.

I think he's going to just file for divorce. I really do. Although I appreciate folks giving me the harsh reality of how I've contributed to this, I'm also very frightened of my emotions. I think I will be so devastated if he files and blame myself so much that I may really spiral into a very intense, dangerous place emotionally. Sometimes I think it's safer (emotionally) if I do NOT put so much blame on myself. This BB becomes a little dangerous for me in that way.

M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14