and yikes, i sure relate to many many things you say.
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OK. It was a little hard because I have not had any love in years. And that statement coming from a woman who would have described herself as "happily married" (mostly) is a sad commentary indeed.
i would have said same thing of self -
this whole business of weeding our way thru this awful sitch - of their creation (yes, i'm weighing in) like you- i'm not perfect - i've always been willing to listen and talk- my life is an open book- he knows it- he could have spoken at any time and gotten whatever he needed from me- well, in the sense of UNDERSTANDING, even if it was bad news and he was unhappy. it's all i ever asked for- honesty. no kidding. just that - be honest. my ex h was a liar- i really hate it. no need for it really-
treat other person as an "equal" and have the decency & courtesy to say what is your problem and leave the r if you're sooooo unhappy. do not put us in the dark- trusting that we love you and trust you - the blame is soooo baby-ish. (and such a cop out) (it's sooooo what i see everywhere around me- my family particularly- everyone has someone else to blame for their crappola - for cryin out loud people- nobody embraces doing the "right" thing when it's really really HARDDDDD..... we do it because it's the decent thing to do- it's the right thing to do (and our own little voice won't let us off the hook ) - i'm tired of people who do the EASy thing and then blame it on everyone else. i'm no saint- i'm honest tho, (i find conflict really really hard)
YOU SAID - NEITHER pursued each other- us too. it was a (probably) good mix of two very independent, not very mushy people - i thought it was perfect (taking reality into account - longevity, etc) . whatta dope i was. i don't know how you make a non-talker - become one. it requuires alot of intuition and assumption on our(my) part- certain things about r don't change - who people are inside - how they c ommunicate.
sadly- when h & i have a good phone convo- i'd bet he's on his way to go see ow soon and feels guilty as hell and is nice as hell as a result.
i have no idea how to cure or end this once and for all- (unless i'm ready to walk i think) (maybe i'm a sellout because i "fear" being all alone, lonely &poor as heck. he's making my life waaay better than i can provide for self - in real world - by paying bills) and that is an uncontrovertable fact.
that his only choice was to cheat and lie- well, that is totally on him. i'm thinking goat girl - you too. my h has his entire life organized (legally) so that he is a "free" man anytime he wants to be. no f'ing strings , no obligations that are hard to get out of-
he chose to stay and lie and so on. ANYHOO - soooo many things you say, are true of me too- been with this guy 38 or so years.
been dbing for at least three- i'm beginning to forget- it seems like forever and no lie. it stinks-
my h, like yours, is so wierded out- he can't see it-
it all began with me being THE REASON for alllllll his unhappiness in life. he appatrently decided that the "fix" for that (my awfulness in his life??!!) was to dredge up a couple old babes from his youth and have affair(s) -
it may be his crisis (i do not see his "suffering" and anguish -if it exists (i concede he's crazy and confused or "lost" ) on the other hand- i see what i feel and plod thru - the pain, etc. and then his mlc - well, frankly my dear - it's a load of rubbish to me. i get it, insanity, mlc, all of it- i believe it too. the other half of me says total garbage and self serving junk from a person unwilling to just have the ups and downs all the rest of us experience in life- and man up- see it for what it is, and get on with it. appreciate the less exciting, but more worthwhile love we have. life is not non-stop fun & purpose - we all feel like a pointless life at some time, we all need new direction at some point (age, retirement, sickness, death around us, etc)
it never is a good reason (or permissable reason) to hurt the other guy- blame them (???) and be a jerk wholesale.
THAT is their choice of reactions to life's confusion and scary-ness.
my humble opinion.
when you were sayin back a bit about talking on the phone- little spark of "life" - went well. me too- this business of watching every step and dbing and having "strategy" is soooo wearing. who the heck knows what every nuance means? what tiny "thing" is rite or wrong-
you sound like you're going with your gut and doing good- knowing someone sooooolong- witnessing their change into something soooo unfathomable-
i would have said i was in love, loved and happy. we were happy- we were the couple that all my friends envied.
alot still do- h can be great - he can be the biggest jerk in the universe - like spinning that ole roulette wheel and wondering where the stupid ball is going to land.
this ow stuff- i am doing my best to accept- detach(?)(!), am more detached than beginning- if i were totally detached i'd be gone i think. i don't like it- i cannot end it for him- i don't see myself "doing this" forever -
i worry that that is exactly what he thinks - for the rest of my life i am here in his life as whatever i am to him - (important - BUT....) AND SHE's the go to person for sex, doesn't sound like a good deal to me.
it's soooo jacked up - i did have a point here based on something you said - let me think - oh yeah-
i guess your quandry about having the R talk. in very beginning i tried a couple times- itnever ever was a good convo for us. even in ancient times- i'd say (in retrospect) my h is seriously damaged goods in emotional dept. he said it himself - when i met him about his big "thing" being his mom leaving in dead of nite, his lving with nazi dad, etc.- i heard it- i ingested it- i had no idea (really) it could spell emotional disaster. th at and looking at his selfish- cheating parents and realizing that's what he was aiming towards (maybe) kids become what they see-
idk- you sound like you're doing really well tho- feeling way- listening to your gut- being sure who you are and what is your part in this- (it aint the "reason" ) and of that i've become very sure. and i'm a person whose more than willing to shoulder lots and lots of guilt and responsibility always.
good luck tho- i'm reading with interest. i wonder where it will all land- for either of us.
I feel a bit heartened to hear the things you say- feel them and kn ow i feel it too- but the whole inequity and insanity of it gets to me sometimes. I spend alot of time alone because h goes down to fla for three weeks at a clip- than back up to nj for a week or two , it's another sort of insanity- but the alone time always reminds me that that is not all roses either.
i'm heading to fla for a month - will see how it goes to inject myself back into old life (which seems kind of rotten when i'm down there in my old digs - and know now that it was alot of a sham - alot of the time - rather than just happy life in happy house. that's the worst part- wondering just where the 'reality" left off and when. oh well huh-
