Trying Again

[topgunmb]

So, a random moment tonight that gave me reason to pause and think. Around the end of last year/beginning of this year, I made the conscious decision to be more positive in the way I spoke about my W with others. I had so focused on everything that she had done and was doing to me and our family by her choices. By making the choice to speak positively, I noticed a difference in our interactions. Perhaps it was just that she saw me relax or perhaps it was that the energy I was giving off when she was around was more positive, but suddenly she was nicer to me than she had been in a very long time.

Unfortunately, I think in the past few months I have gotten away from that. Mostly because I started to expect things from her as things seemed they were on a more positive path (i.e. wanting her to spend time with me after the kids went to bed/not going out with friends when she was here on the weekends). My family doesn't help either as they take many opportunities to pry (despite my best efforts to let them know that I don't wish to discuss the situation at the moment). Things haven't been as happy as they had been.

I was listening to a song tonight that I've listened to many times before. Toward the end of the song, the lyrics say, "Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought..." I don't know quite how to explain it other than it was an instant reaction to those words. Suddenly, the tears were flowing fast and hard. It caught me by surprise. It was a reminder to me that I need to be more aware of the things I am saying and thinking about her, especially now.

Anyway, just my random thought/experience for the night.