Dealing with WAW Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful reply sandi. Sorry to hear you lost your long reply, but thank you for taking the time to rewrite one.

I think I got the initial part of what not to do once we separated. It is the part where she begins to move in my direction a little is where I get confused/frozen. For the sake of not doing something wrong, I usually do nothing at all. I am very grateful you came in to offer your opinion/viewpoint on what is going on. It is reassuring that you seem to agree that my evening went well. If I could do one thing over, it would probably be how I introduced a negative to chill things off. I think I could have found a better way to cool things without putting a negative into an otherwise good evening. Live and learn...

I will take your advice and get a hotel room. Even if she offered to let me stay with her, then the whole 'is it the bed or is it the couch' question pops up, and quite frankly, the couch would seem kinda awkward at her parents. So best to avoid that altogether. SInce I will be flying into her town in my plane, and being a small town with no car rental companies, I will be at her mercy of having to be driven everywhere.

Makes sense to get a room, just do it in a cheerful way. No martyrdom. This is a choice you are making, to reduce stress, not increase it.

We have not really spoken/text much since the day she left. I have not initiated anything other than asking to facetime with the kids. I do agree given the past times we have been together, she will probably be just as friendly as before. I will listen to advice from you, labug, 25, and others and take a little more risk by offering compliments, etc.

This ^^statement makes me sad. What would you be "RISKING" By complimenting your wife? (The risk to not complimenting her is a lot higher)

You have a wife whose love language is WOA. You have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally (though you sure want HER to verbalize things that make her very uncomfortable or even embarrassed/ashamed. Irony much?)

So, to you it "risks" something, to compliment your wife.

Man That is a bad combination Pilot. It means (to me) that you think compliments "Costs" you power in the r, (can't think of what else you might believe you risk but NO I don't think you are risking power, I think YOU think that)...

so I wonder if you think she'll assume that the compliments mean SHE is a great catch and you are THUS at her mercy, or something odd like that??

In reality, getting compliments is just how she feels loved. And denying her this does NOT "protect" you; not at all; it is the opposite. Denying her compliments, which costs you nothing, is denying her something SHE NEEDS.

Keeping them to yourself, makes her love tank empty. That's not good.

What is it you think you "risk" by complimenting her? I cannot help but think this goes to your reluctance to tell her ILY, and to not complimenting her and so, are you this way to your kids?

You said your family was not very verbal about their feelings; and hers was. SHE needs it.

If you don't want to change these traits in you, maybe letting her go would be best for her, and all concerned. Pilot, I'm serious. Her needs are reasonable and small, but to you they are huge and painful to give.

That's not a good mix and I don't sense awareness on your end that you need to change these traits AND the way you hold onto things and measure I cannot believe she trusts that you'll ever let go of her transgressions, let alone work on your own.

I sure would like to hear more about THAT work, and maybe your w would too.



I really hate the timing of the school issue being right now as it is a dark cloud hanging over us at the moment. Of course I will not bring up any R or M talk. But I believe it was 25 who pointed out that perhaps she is just as afraid of taking that first step towards even seeing of a R is possible.

OF course she's afraid. Remember how you two got here? I mean, DO YOU RECALL YOUR role in it, anymore?

So without me taking that step, I probably need to at least do what I can to show the door is open. How? I do not have a clue just yet. Other than keep up the PMA, the 180s, and just being f'ing awesome around her

Any thoughts, input, advice, or criticism in the meantime is always welcome!!!

Thanks again to all who chime in!

See above, work on your stuff (tell us what they are please,again).

Did you say you could be selfish and critical, (and it's fair to say you are "withholding" as well, right?)

So, How about working on those traits??