Dealing with WAW Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

A boundary might be me saying "I only listen to someone calmly talking to me" so when someone yells at me, I leave the area.

Putting a demand on them is me telling them they cannot yell at me; they MUST speak calmly to me. See the difference? It's a small one in my hypothetical, but they an get bigger in importance, and it's not all semantics.

I see your point. My boundary is I will only be married to a person who is honest about past infidelities.

If the real fear you have is that she'd repeat the behavior (which I understand), what difference does it make if she NOW tells you all the details, and how or why would you believe her? Why not keep doubting?

If there is no video tape of her, you can always cling to the fear that "she might be lying"...right? so how can she ever trust that you will ever let this go? I mean, what you are saying is that you CANNOT let it go. She has to tell you...something....and then you have to somehow "feel" that she's been honest AND then you have to decide IF you'll forgive her.

Sounds like a lot of long shots and work without any guarantee, (just risk), for HER.




I will not demand it of her. If she wishes to on her own free will openly discuss her infidelity then she is more than welcome to. If she does not wish to, I certainly will not demand it from her, or in any way force her into it. I can only control what I do. I can chose to continue to work on my M, or I can chose that there is not a strong enough foundation to rebuild trust, and move on.

I do not see how what I have said in prior postings is anything different that above. If you see it as wrong, then it is possible I am wrong. Specifically what I would look for are details I know, which I have not told her I know. Times, dates, places. If she mentions them, then I have a reasonable assurance she is being forthcoming with other things. If she neglects them then I can be reasonably certain I am not getting the whole story.

90% of spouses who have had A's, but who want to repair the m, and Not repeat an Affair, will not and do not believe that telling their spouses details, will help.
I think the details will affect YOU b/c of how you obsess this much without any. So I would imagine not wanting to tell you.

The mantra, "deny deny deny" isn't just for politicians. Sinply put, most people and especially most men, cannot handle the details. I think it'll end your m for good - but there are other reasons I think that might happen anyhow.

It goes to your parent's experience, your grudge about your mom, and how you are mixing that up with your situation. I am still curious to hear more about what YOU are working on in YOU, not what you want or expect or hope of, from HER. The focus is still misplaced.


Since you only control you, why bother continuing to focus on HER?


It is not that I am hung up on whether or not there was a PA or not.

Hmmm, really? I feel differently. I could be wrong, but I strongly believe you are hung up on exactly that.

I constantly refer to it as I do because I am not certain there was a PA. I could very easily just have stated from the beginning it was a PA based on assumptions.

I think that would be unfair and silly to do. Most people here wouldn't.



But I did not. I always clearly stated EA, with the possibility of PA. I do that because I do not know if how you handle an EA and a PA are different. Maybe the vets know. So why not give every bit of information possible to those who want to help?

I think people treat them differently but I do NOT know if they should. Seems to me if I were having an EA - but then realized it, and stopped myself from a full blown PA, that would matter.

Or if I had a PA and then ended it after a few "events", that's not the same as maintaining a long term deceit based A...to me at least, there are differences.

My concern with you is that you are scorekeeper and a grudge holder and NOT a forgiver. So you may be wasting a lot of her time, and yours, going back and forth and wanting to punish her, maybe not even conscientiously, so there's that.



If my wife is going over to another man's house at 10 at night, and staying till midnight several times a week, and meeting him in vacant parking lots at odd times of the day and night, it becomes at least reasonable to suspect a PA. I am assuming PA, and have my mind set it was a PA. If I find out it was, so what?

The difference that comes to MY mind right away is whether this is happening NOW or only in the past. That's a BIG issue to me.

I believe in the vows "from this day forward" so if there were a PAST A, I'd say "let it go and move on from this day forward" b/c I think that is why those words are in our vows.

But if it were still an A going on (unless you are now dating others, and then it's a reality of separated couples who are semi single)


I already assumed it. If it turns out just an EA, well great news for me, things just got a whole lot better.

Then it does matter to you if it were physical. Can you explain why that is?


And I do not mind the 2x4s. I know you are here trying to help and offering your time to do so. I know you would not waste your time otherwise. So I appreciate all comments, positive and negative.

Thanks again.