CSan - Filed, moving and life goes on....

[Meghan]

A lot of things about what you’re going through remind me of my situation. It’s a tough place to be in, particularly when you’re inclined to take on a lot of the blame yourself and don’t see a lot recognition or remorse in your spouse. Based on your description, I’m just not seeing a lot of responsibility on your H.’s part. The idea that somehow you’re the reason he failed his kids strikes me as a particularly profound twisting of your situation.

One thing I’d suggest is reading over your post again and noting how much you’re apologizing. It seems to me that you’re apologizing a lot for both specific and general things, and you’re often doing so in response to him getting upset with you for a whole range of stuff. Are these all things that you should be apologizing for, or are you apologizing more to keep him happy and so that he’ll hopefully see that you’re contrite? A lot of what you’ve said reads to me like your XH is trying to dominate or manipulate you (testing you is a big concern) and like you’re trying to placate him or withdraw your feelings. (I say this largely because this is what I do and a friend called me on it recently, so I’ve been thinking about it – feel free to let me know if you think this isn’t the case.)

You may also want to consider that if you were to get the fresh start you want, what would have to change in order to make things work. This can be hard – I’ve been thinking about it myself and facing down the idea that things can’t stay the same is hard, particularly when I know that at some point I may have to rock the boat to get what I need. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be DBing right now. I’ve been trying to validate what my H. has been telling me as much as possible (sometimes by apologizing for what has hurt him), leaving my concerns out of the conversation for the time being, and working on myself and some of the things that have bothered him in the past that I think are worth fixing for myself. But I have a running list of things that will need to change in the back of my head, and sometimes (not always yet) it helps me keep a bit of perspective on what’s going on and the fact that there are two of us in this relationship and two of use that helped to get us here.

It also sounds to me like your H. is looking to trap you or get you into a confrontation somehow. He seems to be taking any opportunity to berate you that he can. It might be worth considering whether he’s doing this (not even necessarily intentionally) to keep you off balance and blaming yourself – it may make it easier for him to justify his actions, paint you as the crazy one, or just keep you acting in ways that work for him.