I was referring to the suggestions re helping your H fix himself. We cross-posted.
Respond in kind. Be friendly but not cloying. If he was brief, be brief. If he was a more detailed, be a little more detailed but less so than he was if he was reeeeaally detailed.
Last edited by labug; 07/21/1403:22 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It hasn't been 48 hours yet, but I went for a walk and had a long think, and it didn't really take all that long to see that I've managed to talk about not being able to fix him and then talk about ways I can help to fix him in the span of a few paragraphs.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: Today was...well, fine, I guess. No tears, no real upsets, but also not really a joyous get-out-and-GAL kind of day. On the up side, H. isn't here to see that I've curled up in bed and worked and napped through most of the afternoon, so as far as he knows, I've been living it up on vacation and having the time of my life.
I sent a short message in reply to his email about how my visit home was. I still hate the feeling of hope and excitement that I get when he gets in touch, and the fact that I feel such a letdown when it's a basic, straightforward email. I miss the emails with nicknames and funny jokes. The funny one he sent last week was nice to receive and even though I think it was the right move, part of me is sad that I didn't respond to it.
Clearly, I haven't detached or let go of any expectations and it's affecting me still. I'm home tonight, so I think I'm going to spend some time reading up on detachment a bit more.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Meghan, it is hard not having things how they used to be. This journey has many up and downs that it's really challenging. Imo we want things fixed like yesterday but reality is that it can take a long time. My impatience and pain has been my worst enemy. I think you are doing great and are having one of those days. Like you told me - Be gentle on yourself. (Hugs )
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
My IC does Emotionally Focused Therapy. He says when you feel physical symptoms of emotional distress, you sit with it for a minute and try to unravel what the feelings are made of. As you name each emotion and its source, you find that it dissipates. The problem isn't solved but you are better able to relax into it and find your patience and other coping skills.
I know exactly what you mean, but it might be helpful to remember that you can't change how you behaved in the past, only how you conduct yourself moving forward -- and really, you only can worry about today. Once you can get your head around those two things, then it is easier to accept that the solution will take time and you can even get enthusiastic about the project of self-improvement (as long as it's SELF improvement for yourSELF).
Give yourself a hug from me and make a plan for how great today is going to be.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks, Maybell - I'll give that a try in the mornings. I'm also going to get back to a mindfulness meditation practice to see if that might help a bit with the anxiety and the detaching.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I really like Maybell's advice on coping with the stress of the situation. My C also focuses on the Emotionally Focused Therapy approach and the techniques have been very helpful.
Journaling can also be really great. The simple act of writing down what you are feeling, wanting to do or say can be really calming.
Originally Posted By: Meghan
Along with what I’m already doing a few more things I might try are offering to look over his resume and cover letters, connecting him with friends who might have job contacts, doing some research on alternative medical treatments so I can offer suggestions, and maybe even learning a bit more about what he’s working on so I can ask better questions and contribute more. I don’t want to take this too far because I do recognize that it could be easily seen as me trying to fix his problems for him again, and that seems like a bad idea. But if I can get a foot in the door with this, it might be an idea.
Thoughts, as always, are appreciated.
Humble opinion: I think you should let him come to you if he needs help with any of this. Keep focusing on growing and healing yourself. Lovingly detach and take it one day at a time.
Back to EFT there is a great book called 'Hold Me Tight' focused on this approach. You may find it very interesting and helpful especially for what you are feeling right now.
