Dealing with WAW Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks again 25!

I would not call them contingencies, but boundaries.

Boundaries are not for other people. Boundaries are limits on US. WE won't do X or Y and WE won't put up with X, and WE WILL commit to Y, etc.


It's not about other people at all. Dictating what others can or cannot do-- is us making demands of them, trying to control them. Which is not a boundary.

A boundary might be me saying "I only listen to someone calmly talking to me" so when someone yells at me, I leave the area.

Putting a demand on them is me telling them they cannot yell at me; they MUST speak calmly to me. See the difference? It's a small one in my hypothetical, but they an get bigger in importance, and it's not all semantics.

All I am looking for is something to rebuild a foundation of trust.

That's no small thing. I suggest you let some good time together happen, time in which you both learn to RELAX around each other without expectations, just happen.

Pilot, please Stop with the expectations and just BE together without the stress of your insecurities which at this point, hinder your progress.


Of course I do not know if there was a PA or not. EA absolutely. PA she denies.


Then drop it. Seriously. Why do you keep going in circles about this??

If she confesses to a PA ---you will NOT trust her more;

if she denies it, you will NOT trust her more.

She's in a lose lose situation with your demands and endless questions.

So How are your 180s and GAL going? What are some 180s again? Yes I've asked before b/c I think that is where your focus needs to be.



Based on her actions it would be a huge leap of faith to believe a PA never happened. Quite honestly, I am assuming the worse case scenario. I do not dwell on the details of what I think may have happened because it really does not do me any good.


It does not do you any good but you DO dwell on it. you keep bringing it up.

If I were her, I fear that this would make me think

"He's obsessing again and won't let go of this. No point in me trying; he's like a dog with a bone and he won't bury it and won't let it go and he'll throw it in my face when we fight or when he feels insecure, he'll hold it over my head forever....what's the point of me trying to 'earn his trust' back, when HE mistreated ME and now just focusses in on the possible PA?? WHY AM I DOING THIS WORK??"

And then I think there is a better than 50% chance I would then rationalize what I'd done (pointing to your inability to forgive or even just move on, as more proof that it's hopeless to try and work on things) and I would likely then end things. I tell you this b/c it's my opinion that the obsessing is hurtful to your cause, not merely unhelpful.

Do you get what I'm saying?


On the forgiveness side, maybe I chose to forget and move on, and skip the forgiveness part. I will reflect more on it.

???This^^ makes no sense to me. You think forgiveness is condoning, but it's not. If you did not think something was hurtful, there'd be nothing to forgive. If you did not think you had been wronged, there'd be no difficulty forgiving.

It's hard to do when you are hurt BECAUSE YOU ARE HURT; waiting for it not to hurt before you can forgive-- is not going to happen. Anyone can "forgive" something that isn't painful; I mean, what's to forgive?

You seem to be worried that she'll take advantage of you if you forgive, or that somehow you are "losing" on something in a forgiveness choice.

Pilot, You don't lose or give away anything by forgiving, you GAIN. You gain freedom from your anger, you gain feeling lighter since you are no longer weighed down by worry or fear or pain that you let fester. You are gaining security and love b/c someone in your life will feel that they have been accepted with their flaws, they have been forgiven and now they are free to fully love b/c they CAN take that chance, now knowing you won't throw it in their face forever...they are free to love you more fully and you are free to risk your heart again too.

Otherwise you'll never be happy with her, and she won't be happy with you. If you cannot or won't forgive, end things now for HER sake, and yours. But I'd still say a major life lesson for you is to learn forgiveness. At this rate you'll never have a good R with your mom, and I don't know what type of legacy you'll leave your kids.

Pilot, this concept of forgiveness is crucial and you are definitely not construing it the same way I do. I think your concept is common one, but a sorely mistaken one.

More on that later, b/c it's VERY important.

You have a gift for seeing past the words people type and seeing the person behind the typing. I hope you keep using that gift here with me. 2x4s and all

Well thank you for the kind words. I guess I am now testing your claim to want the 2 x 4's....