mlc rut

[pbetra]

I don't know if everything finally got to me - but I stopped being careful or nice. I didn't respond too graciously to compliments - just brushed them off really quickly because I was tired of the hyprocrisy. Always the compliments just before leaving all dressed & 'cologned' ... as though that's salve or it makes a difference. Just preferred no words, DO what you usually do. I just wanted him to go!

I took the evening to pamper myself. I am generally homebound due to resources &/or responsibilities. Anyway, I know it wasn't the ideal reaction, but I felt to be/feel what I wanted to. Everything else arounds demands unrelenting patience these days. I am very alone & doing every single thing - I've always been patient anyway, long before this, and very rarely experience patience the other way around. So, I didn't think - I felt. I was so fed up - & then remainied in the bathroom for some pampering

Anyway, I think h picked up on the subtle cold breezes from me in our home. A few days ago, for the first time in a long time, I was spoken with - just casually. This was the first 'conversation' in a while instead of the disappearing act into the guest room, after a one liner when we do cross paths in the home.

His eyes were interesting during the conversation. Sad, searching. I think he was trying to recognize what in me was different. Independence maybe? Loss of dependability? (always taken for granted). I don't know, it was hard 'to read, but it was a pleasant conversation with him doing the initiating on both occasions.

Then, got my hair done re: weekend. h already had plans but I could tell H was curious. The next day he mentioned dinner to which I casually said "ok, would be nice - let's play by ear" (because I've heard this before & it just 'goes away' - words & no follow up action). That night, he did ask me to dinner.

It was awkward to know exactly how to act, what to say, b/cuz of the hand holding, stroking like before (?!!), attentive manner during the drive (& it was like old times, like him). It threw me a curve ... I was lost! I was pleasant but genuinely puzzled. He remained pleasant for the 2 days after before withdrawing a little on the 3rd (obviously due to fear should I believe & misunderstand this to be that he loves me again )

I know from DB not to get too excited. Quite frankly, I don't have energy to get excited re: him. I am lucky too met someone who's going through the same re her S, & hope to get together!! Looking forward to it. ... just hanging out.

Anyway, remained pleasant & am trying to respond so that he doesn't feel discouraged but still give him his much needed space. He really does not seem to know what he wants.

I try re: GAL as much as I can (for now)
Am detaching gradually (but still have work to do) & getting back to meditation (only interrupted because tof surprise events the past few days).

bye 4 now, p.