yes... i know he has stalled & its a pattern for him.
yes, he made R ending decisions, but not sure how he is getting cake... this RE purchase will make my life easier. I do have to accommodate slightly to make it happen. Initially, he wanted to wipe out our account to accommodate this RE deal, I quietly fought him on that front & won!
Please explain how he is getting everything he wants?... he is not getting me & he is not having sex (with me or otherwise)..... Although, I think I see your point... which is why I have pulled myself off his pant leg & refused a few of his offers to go out. He is merely getting a "friendly business partner"... until further notice.
Whether some of my $$ is in the business or not right now, makes little difference, until I take it all... I cannot buy a house. This will help me to be unstuck. But I am scared of it too.
Sandi... It DOES seem to be a regular convo for him to remind me of how hard his life is & how much simpler & more fun my life is (I have heard it for 20 years!!).... when he does this again next... any suggestions on what to say and how to handle it?
This coming Saturday evening is our mechanic's 50th b'day party. Xbf did make a suggestion that my DD be the DD & for us to go together. That is probably not a good idea either... As much as I am worried about going, I probably should go. and look awesome (sexy) in my new dress. Go, be social, fun & funny ...but not linger much around his side. Maybe leave early??
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/21/1403:04 AM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
also.. Heather... thanks for posting this.. please help me through it??
It sounds like you choosing to remain in the step below position instead of putting yourself on the pedestal where he is sitting. <<< hmmm, how do I get there?
He dangles his "possibility" of some distant equal business partnership and re-committed relationship in front of you like a carrot. It's always just outta reach. <<< YES!!! THIS has been my LIFE...
This keeps you vulnerable and weak. He is empowered by teasing you...like he did when he suggested YOU were the one who has it EASY. It's all very cat and mouse. <<< HE suggests I have it EASY... explain how this is teasing please? What would you say next? From where you sit, how do I not be the mouse?
I would like to empower myself...but not sure how/where other than what I have been doing recently to get off his pant leg & not accept his invites. This is where I can have some control....over me! I think this has helped me to reclaim some of my self value.... as awful/weird as it feels.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Sandi... It DOES seem to be a regular convo for him to remind me of how hard his life is & how much simpler & more fun my life is (I have heard it for 20 years!!).... when he does this again next... any suggestions on what to say and how to handle it?
Either agree or give no response at all. He wants to whine and complain, not get advice for a solution. It is not an invitation to start reminding him of all that cr@p you've said before.
Quote:
Xbf did make a suggestion that my DD be the DD & for us to go together. That is probably not a good idea either... As much as I am worried about going, I probably should go
.
Why are you worried about it? The mechanic works for you too, right? Don't go "with" xbf to the party. That's what gives him mixed signals, if one time you go with him and the next time you don't. Go to the party alone or with DD.
Sure, look great and have fun.
Who are you wearing the sexy new dress for? What are your motives here?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"It DOES seem to be a regular convo for him to remind me of how hard his life is & how much simpler & more fun my life is (I have heard it for 20 years!!)."
if he's been saying it for 20 years, then it means NOTHING.
its a technique to fill a break in the conversation. Some people talk about the weather, he says his life is hard.
i'd guess he says the same thing to the RE girl, and the dog walker and the guy at the gas station, and the mailman.
just because someone talks, doesnt mean they're saying anything. he's not reminding, he's not comparing, he's just filling dead air. stop forcing it have some deeper meaning. and stop thinking it has anything to do with you.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Gabbysmom.... dont engage, dont engage, dont engage!! need to let things roll off my back (like they used to)
I see your point Sandi.. I need to wear that dress for me... not to try to catch his eye. UGH!
Ken.... It must mean something... he is constantly complaining to me & comparing that my life is better. My job is better, etc. He worries more than me, etc.... He is trying to make me feel guilty and that he has bettered my life. When he gets bad news about a work thing, he is sure to tell me about it so that I can worry too (ok, fair enough)... but, even if he has already fixed the issue hours before. He is sure to tell me as though it JUST happened. He allows me to believe its urgent and tries to make me worry too. He wants me to stress too. This comparison/guilt was a main issue for us. We argued about this kind of stuff all the time. Now that we are separated, he still complains that he makes my life better. Like I should reward him, somehow.
And like Heather said... always baiting me with a carrot that is always just out of reach!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Instead of bickering about your life being easier or better than his, agree. "Yes, i have a good life." "Yes, i enjoy my life". Do not get back into what you offered, etc. Miserable people wants company and will try to pull their S down with them. They are jealous when the S is happy-go-lucky and refuses to worry and beat their heads against a wall. So, stay upbeat, merry, and refusing to engage in his pity party. He chooses how he wants to live, and you choose how you want to live.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with Sandi, don't give into being drawn into his negative state. I think MLCers are drawn to being negative much like a moth is drawn to a light at night. Yesterday I let my wife know that there had been a dramatic change for the positive in my medical condition. Her response was, good, one less thing to worry about. She then said, Let me add a new stressor. Rather than rejoicing in a positive, She needs to tear it down immediately with a negative. My response to her was to suggest a good solution to the problem and turn it into a positive as well. She had no comeback to that but agree to it and end the email exchange as she could tell I was not going to join the pity fest.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
"Ken.... It must mean something... he is constantly complaining to me & comparing that my life is better. My job is better, etc. He worries more than me, etc.... He is trying to make me feel guilty and that he has bettered my life. When he gets bad news about a work thing, he is sure to tell me about it so that I can worry too (ok, fair enough)... but, even if he has already fixed the issue hours before. He is sure to tell me as though it JUST happened. He allows me to believe its urgent and tries to make me worry too. He wants me to stress too. This comparison/guilt was a main issue for us. We argued about this kind of stuff all the time. Now that we are separated, he still complains that he makes my life better. Like I should reward him, somehow."
my point is, if he did this before, and he's doing it again, then its meaningless. He's not using it to woo you back, he's just a chronic complainer.
my x rarely talks in any voice except complaining. about work, about family, etc. and it meant nothing. that was how her mother talks, thats how every conversation they have together goes. and they dont want solutions. its their method of release.
likewise it sounds like your x is the same, he likes to complain. hes not expecting anything from you, he's really not comparing, he just wants you to sit there and listen and nod. he's venting.
its your choice whether or not it makes you feel one way or the other. or if you dont want to listen at all.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
The point I was making Ken, was that his comparison complaints are constant for many years & he feels that is why we fight. That we do not get along because of these differences. He makes a judgement call that is not fair (blaming me that his life is harder) & holds on to this feeling.
To DB properly, we are supposed to look at what WE can DO, about fixing ourself from these arguments. I am wondering how other couples would handle this situation, as I have exhausted my resources on this battle.
The coffee, pissing, cookies, etc... is HIM telling me that it means something. I wasn't inventing anything. It just doesn't mean anything to me anymore..... because his actions & words aren't lined up.
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/22/1404:54 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
