Thx Maybell. I really, really appreciate your posting (as well as unbidden). I really need to hear this counter point of view so I can make wise decisions at this very precarious time.
There is a good chance that H went through withdrawals initially. As a matter of fact, that may be a big reason why our initial reconciliation went sour. He was surly and moody and not at all ready to connect with me. I thought he was still involved with OW but he has consistently denied it and said that he was trying to get over her; so it's entirely possible that it was withdrawals. I so couldn't take the uncertainty and how he was acting that I asked him to leave and our MC at the time agreed. That was how we separated most recently. I sometimes look back and wonder if that was the right thing, if I'd just been better able to detach and tolerate his moods if he'd still be in the house now. Unfortunately I don't think I was up to the task.
So, I am very cognizant of not making any rash decisions. I do fear that he may simply need some time to sort this out and I'm moving too quickly (again).
But it's awful, truly. My stomach has been in knots all day.
Also, when I read all my prior posts I realized that the #1 thing that pulled him back to me was MY reaching out to HIM. I know everyone says he should pursue but he really, really warmed and things really started to turn after we separated and I started calling him just to chat. Then he started asking me to lunch, then I asked him to dinner and he was literally over the moon.
So if I really want to try to draw him back in, I wonder if I should pursue again. It seems so WRONG under the current circumstance, yet it's what worked previously. And I actually happen to have a big development at work I could share.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I have to disagree that if there's no "withdrawal period" then the spouse isn't ready. My H never went through a withdrawal. He said he got sick of how clingy and needy OW was *while he was still seeing her*. Kicking her to the curb, he recounts, was a relief.
Perhaps if the A is *mostly emotional* then there's a "withdrawal period." But not necessarily when it's mostly a PA.
My point is: not all As look alike.
mdu, I'm happy to see you thinking here ... as opposed to out loud in front of your H. This is a safe place on which you can bounce your deepest insecurities and fears ... and hopes and desires. That's why we are here.
I'm also glad to see you paying attention to the patterns in your sitch.
I'm sure today is super difficult. But know you're doing the right thing by giving your H space to sort this out.
And here's the thing: you get to choose which path YOU will take. When your H is in touch again, you can choose to be light and breezy. Or, you can choose to say: "Hmmm. A lot has changed recently. I'm not sure HOW I feel about that anymore..."
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
So if I really want to try to draw him back in, I wonder if I should pursue again. It seems so WRONG under the current circumstance, yet it's what worked previously. And I actually happen to have a big development at work I could share.
We have said no contact because it is FOR YOUR OWN protection because you were not able to control your mouth and emotions. If you are able to talk with H on the phone tonight and commiserate with him on handling his emotions with the OW in the office today, fine.
If you can't STFU and listen, then I'd suggest that you wait 24-72 hours until you are ABLE to support H.
No. No. No. Please sit back, mdu. Please sit back and give him space for a day or 10.
This OW-at-work thing is sooooo new. Your H was drawn back to your subtle pursuit when OW was presumably not working 20 feet from him. This throws a wrench in everything right this very minute.
I would strongly suggest that you absolutely do not contact him today. It would be wayyyyyy too obvious to him. That feels like pressure. Stay the course!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
And here's the thing: you get to choose which path YOU will take. When your H is in touch again, you can choose to be light and breezy. Or, you can choose to say: "Hmmm. A lot has changed recently. I'm not sure HOW I feel about that anymore..."
I would suggest that you, MDU, be the contrast and show H the inner strength that is hidden deep inside that muck of fear & insecurity.
At this point, I would not even bring up those feelings to H. You want H to feel comfortable confiding in YOU and not shut down. At this critical juncture, H needs to feel that he has YOU in his corner...not the opposite corner fighting him like Muhammad Ali.
Yeah, I'm with Train on pulling back for a few days and allow H space to process seeing the OW at the office today.
"If you can't STFU and listen, then I'd suggest that you wait 24-72 hours until you are ABLE to support H."
I agree. Although I'm pretty certain that H would not bring up OW if I were to call him, other than maybe to state the facts (i.e., she's in the office right now). I just don't think he would. I think the way he would honestly share his feelings is if he and I were spending time in a casual environment and he felt relaxed and safe enough with me that it came up spontaneously. Otherwise, while he might answer direct questions if I ask, it wouldn't really be a heartfelt sharing/supporting kind of conversation, kwim?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thx everyone. Have a DB coaching appointment tomorrow. Will be very curious what her perspective is.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
