mlc rut

[pbetra]

Am back where I started, 'here'/mlc rut as previously indicated. (from confrontation methods my 'accidental theme thread' - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...743#Post2468743) Again sorry about incnvenience. I realize that I had 2 other posts in that thread from Wonka & MrBond, which I will get to afterward.

Also had med.issue to take care of (not serious), and lost my online diary this week. Had tons of personal research from web, DB 'research' including Cadet's homework threads & many other forum members'posts. Also had MLCer/Me observations ... all gone!

Unfortunately, what I have currently write will not be followed by the records leading up to today, as I am unable to recall so much.
But the beat goes on! .

What I can say, is that I had growing resentment recently - didn't plan it, it just happened. Then indifference. (I will tell you about the impact of resentment & indifference in a bit).

I have been thinking about the past on & off for the last few months.

The M issues:
We both had - I suggested MC/T. at the time. H was VERY strongly against. (Would end M now if I were discovered on DB). I felt a T. would be 'outside of our emotional experience', would be objectve, could offer direction & advice going forward. I have been to therapy, so have my family whenever I felt burdened and neeede a load off. I've read self help. Started w/ Shyness, Philip Zimbardo at 17!! For H's family - theses things are very taboo. They judge & label effortlessly.

Enjoy life, each other & networks as couple:
After a while we both looked past certain things. Life wasn't so bad after all, we didn't know of any couple with issue free M! I didn't live in war torn zone, or famine affected region, or victim of 'darkest sides of humanity,' wasn't terminally ill (as a carer years ago, got small window into the world of the terminally ill. The FEAR resinated with me, the lack of control & helplessness at the time ... Lost my best friend at 20 - she mentioned experiencing term. illness & death ALONE. So really - what did I really have to 'gripe' about?

Life was not so bad:
Outdoor activities, road trips & travel, parties (attended & hosted), new places, new experiences, eating out, concerts, a home always filled w/people. we enjoyed our autonomy fully before starting family years after. Felt way more (!!)connected back then.


Things changed RADICALLY when the recession hit:
- job /employemnt: grew worse over a period of years.
- goals: dream goal, H's major g. failed. H told me years ago that he "had NEVER failed at anything/didn't know what that was like". He planned meticously & worked HARD for his ambitions. practicaly borderline type A approach! Money is practically an obsession with H's family. Said he "worked hard to never have to need them". H dominant mother talk about it a lot, control family & $$. They are a splinctered family.

Other:
- milestone birthday: we are late 40's/early 50's in the air. Said "not ready for 50's", told me not to say my age, people treat you differently (true). My mother ws open re: age as was I but I 'complied'
Hospitalized: just under 10 days prior to bomb, elderly relative got hospitalized. had good relationship. Saw drooling, lack of control, helplessness - briefly assisted before walking away.
(btw: my father was dominant, controlling. i don't like 'confrontation' - had enough of that re: him)

Thinking last week:
i noticed that whenever there is job prospect, H talks, is more like himself. I don't come from fam. that equated worth w/ $$ or job status. My parents liked decency first, then went from there. H's family is all abou There would be personal attacks esp. by mother although dripping in honey. I recall 'checkpoints along way of career' - always asking him of his progress or status re: work. I was also checke don as new wife in M - I ended R with them all after a while. This did nto bother H who ended it many years later after trying ot resolve his fam issues & feeling 'emotionally taxed, conceding defeat'.

Have to end here - back later, p.