Finding my way - part 2

[Meghan]

I had dinner with a close friend who’s known all about the situation for a awhile now and a friend of his who he thought might be good for some insights. I briefly talked about the situation, and the friend asked some questions. He was pretty flummoxed by the whole thing and seems to think – as most other people do – that H. is already out of the marriage if he’s not willing to work on it. This is always crushing to hear, and always leaves me wondering if there’s any hope at all.

He doesn’t want to armchair diagnose, but was wondering about whether depression could be underlying some of these problems. It does seem to match a lot of what’s been going on for a long time – excessive sleeping, not doing a lot, not going out, weight gain, and perhaps even feeling overwhelmed by daily life – as well as some of the more recent problems – mood changes, feelings of worthlessness, concerns about growing older, and so on. I’d forgotten about this, but H. has also gotten some frustrating news about a medical condition over the last six months, which might also have factored in. It’s hard to know, though.

The friend did reiterate many of the things everyone else has been saying. The stumbling block as he sees it is that H. is so angry and hurt that he’s unable or unwilling to accept any changes. If the things that he wants are things he’s also said he doesn’t want from me right now the only things I can really do is try to ease in as best I can and make small consistent changes without violating H.’s wishes. But he also thinks that there are other issues feeding in, particularly around H.’s self-esteem and self-worth and figuring out what he needs to be happy now and how to make his life better. These are the things that I can't solve for him – he has to do it himself.

He actually had an interesting suggestion that I’m considering. He suggested that if H. isn’t willing to accept things like hugs or sex or backrubs from me because he sees them as me getting something out of them or just trying to fix the relationship, perhaps I should focus more on helping H. make himself better and happier instead. This would show commitment and caring and might be more obviously for him. It might also help get him to a place where he's stable enough to feel like we can work on the relationship.

I’ve given a bit of thought to how I can do this. It’s been a bit challenging because I do feel like I have been supportive of the things that he wants to improve (and some of these things I suggested years ago and H. has never taken me up on, which is frustrating when he says I haven’t supported him like he’s supported me). I’ve been running with him and helping him lose weight by eating better. I’ve offered to do an elimination diet with him, which he said he didn’t want to do. I’ve been listening to him talk through some of the things he’s been working on to upgrade his work skills for awhile now, and it doesn’t seem to have made a difference, but I suppose the time period has been relatively short. I still get caught in the trap of wanting this fixed now, particularly since H. seems upset that things aren’t better yet.

Along with what I’m already doing a few more things I might try are offering to look over his resume and cover letters, connecting him with friends who might have job contacts, doing some research on alternative medical treatments so I can offer suggestions, and maybe even learning a bit more about what he’s working on so I can ask better questions and contribute more. I don’t want to take this too far because I do recognize that it could be easily seen as me trying to fix his problems for him again, and that seems like a bad idea. But if I can get a foot in the door with this, it might be an idea.

Thoughts, as always, are appreciated.