Hi all - "was never in love"

[labug]

Hi Mat, I've caught up on your thread.

All right. First order of business. What do I love about my wife that makes me want to keep fighting for us?

I'm glad you did this, it's a question I often ask. Sometimes we've grown so far apart in a M/R that we lose sight of why we married our spouse.

Some people want to stay married because of pride, they don't like to be walked away from, what will people think, etc

Some are afraid to be alone.

Some want to stay together because of the children.

Some want to stay together because that was their plan, and we don't like our plans to be messed with.

There are things in her that I admire, perhaps it's because I lack them myself. At the same time, did that make me resent her at times?

1) Unlike me, she does not bend over backwards to please people, and does not walk on eggshells. She can be direct and does not shy away from confrontation. Fear of confrontations is a problem for me; in my relationship, it made me resent her at times and act passive-aggressively. At work, I am 100% sure that it's held me back. I'm confident it's costing me at least £50k a year in terms compensation I could otherwise be getting if I had fulfilled my potential.

Great insight. What are you doing to change that?

I would guess, human nature being what it is that you're like this in all your Rs, so you don't need your W around to work on this.

But in any case, I love her and admire her for it now. It's inspiring, and I should have used the opportunity of our marriage to learn from her.

Do you love her for it, really? I ask because that's a long way to come in a short period of time.

She has reproached me the fact that I walked on eggshells around her. I can see how she would have wished she saw a bit more fight in me. Instead of arguing trivial points, to stand firm. Once I displayed that behaviour and she actually verbalised how much she liiiiked it...

It's not unusual for spouse of depressed partners walk on eggshells. Is that why you did it or are there other reasons?

2) She is playful, cute and funny. Now that I am on my own, I won't lie, I've been observing other women around me more closely. I think I took for granted how W could be so silly, but in a cool and smart way.

3) Beautiful. I miss that face. I wish I could see her only once more sleeping with her fists closed when I come to kiss her before I leave for work.

4) Charisma. People like her; there is a glow around her. I don't know if it's because that detachment makes her seem unattainable.

She sounds like a lovely person but why do you love her? You don't have to answer that here, just think about it. Journal about it on your own. Did you tackle tough problems together, was she able to help you become a better you, are you aware of her inner strength?

Even though she says she was never in love with me, I am convinced that I am the one that didn't properly reflect her feelings. She has a lot of pain from her background, and I think that I lacked the commitment and courage to give her what she needed. It started to annoy me.

Living with a depressed spouse can be annoying, infuriating at times. I was the depressed spouse in my marriage, I know I was infuriating at times.

Her depression may wax and wane. What's different about you now that will make you better able to deal with it?

I'd give anything to turn the clock and get another chance...

Obviously this isn't quite what I'd want to tell her. I only know that I love her for real, and I want to build something brand new with her. We both deserve this.

Was never a religious person, but I think prayer would help at this point...

As Cadet tells everyone in the very beginning, you've been given the gift of time.

And we all read that and promptly forget it. Write in on post-its and put it around the house. Or change all your passwords to be a variation of that so you see it several times every day.

You have self-identified several things you need to work on. Get busy, so when you do have interactions with W, she can't help but see the new you.

Drop any timelines, your changing will be a life-long process.

One thing I see is that you want to be the fixer, you fixed her into a new apartment, you told her what mail to pick-up, you want to write out instructions for her to know how to get repairs done.

Stop.

See her as an adult with her own life to live. If she's all the things you think she is, she can figure it out.

That doesn't mean you act like a jerk if she does ask a question but you don't have to fix her problem right then and there. Be open, talk to her about it, see what she really needs.

I think right now, until you get your feet under you, NC is right where you need to be.

Best of luck.