Hurt and Confused 2

[oad]

oh and I forgot to mention when I was saying bye to my daughter I turned around and she was looking at us smiling.

[Old Dog]

Ah, the first bit was directed at what you said about your W being nicer.

The second bit was mine. It's been happening for months, I'm sitting downstairs while she's upstairs reading a book or on facebook or whatever, I don't know. It feels lonely in my house.

[oad]

I hear ya...im at my dads house...at least now im going to have some dinner and beers with old friends..but I just feel like there is one thing missing

[25yearsmlc]

Well My W dad called today. He said that everyone misses me at the beach house, including wife. That he talked to her and she said that I still haven't changed and I will never change. That she will be happier divorcing me.


The thing I'm still missing after reading your thread (well I've gotten this far at least) is what it is YOU are working on in yourself. She has said a few times that you are selfish, and you have vaguely alluded to "issues" you have. But I don't know a single trait you are working on. What are they?

I keep reading that SHE does not believe you are changing, then you mentioned that "it's hard to show her" your changes when you are not together, but what are they? And while all this talk about distance and pursuit is well and good,

What about the underlying problems in the marriage? I don't buy that this is all her problem. If it is, then you're pretty powerless.


Well he said that he doesn't buy it for a minute that she is happier this way. He mentioned how every morning when he goes fishing he is sad im not there with him. I love my inlaws, they are good people. Wish WAW would just stop and see whats going on. FIL says he prays every day her heart will soften. Me, im still on my road to make me a better person and father, still 100% indifferent!!!!

Here is a piece on detachment b/c I'm not one of those who thinks it's the same as indifference. More like "hey I'm busy meeting interesting people, doing fun things and going to fascinating places so, maybe I'll catch you later...bye"

But if I were working on myself as well, & wanted to show change, I'd be sure to OWN what I needed to own. Remember the 180s? What are you doing to replace & contrasts her negative images of you (justifications for leaving the m) with positive behaviors? You know, like if you are habitually late and that bothered her, now you are Mr. Punctual. Any examples of that? (Yes I realize they'll be deeper than that, but I was going for clarity).

I don't think your wife, or any WAS, will return to a marriage they left, unless they believe,

that the marriage can be better/different than before.

How are you showing her that???

Anyway,here is the piece on Detachment: (originally posted by Peanut...)

II. Detachment

"Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and then we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


Hope this helps.

[25yearsmlc]

so july 27th is our 13th wedding anniversary, should I go dark for the day?

Depends on whether anything weird happens between now and then but I think when there are children involved, AND you want a reconciliation, something like a picture of the kids you have, and a note with maybe some flowers (but not red roses) that says "It's still worth remembering"
and or "I will always be grateful for what our marriage produced"

and or "we did SOMETHING right"...along those lines.

Then sign your name only (no ILY) and be done. Expect nothing from her and I mean that; expect nothing. Not b/c she doesn't care; she clearly does.

She's concerned that you are NOT changing as she needed and wanted (hence all the momentary from her family to that effect).

I notice the family is not saying they don't believe her complaints, just that they simply think she's exaggerating. That means to me that there IS some validity to her complaints. Instead of getting mad at the comments, try to figure out the truth pieces in there. Consider yourself to be on a reconnaissance mission and gathering intel...okay? There are clues you need.

So, back to YOUR personal work, what is it? Are you getting counseling for it? I mean, how are you getting the tools to make the changes you want to make?

I get the feeling a lot of these alleged changes are superficial (definitely vague)

and her fear is likely that if she returns, you'll revert to the ways she finds unacceptable. That is the biggest fear most WAWs seem to have. You know she didn't feel you pulled your weight with the finances and as unfair and out of date as it may seem, most women do want their h's to be protectors and providers...sorry, (don't tell my feminist friends I said that... )

I read a study that said the 2 things most spouses want in their mates:

Husbands said "attraction" And the anthropologists said that's b/c men are visual and value the looks of their partner in a competitive trophy way,

AND they value 2) peace in the home.
(Seems like no nagging to me, but I'm not an anthropologist)

WIVES said the 2 traits they most valued in a mate were: 1) security (meaning physical and financial security...)

and 2) fidelity, which is self explanatory.

But in a way that's really a form of emotional security if you think about it.

What do you think?

[25yearsmlc]

oh and I forgot to mention when I was saying bye to my daughter I turned around and she was looking at us smiling.

No mother is unmoved by the loving interactions of her children, with their father. Being the best dad you can be now, more than ever, is crucial for your kids and for your m.

I think it's an emotional turn on for most of us. Many women actually stay married purely b/c the man is a good father and or provider. The more you can do on that front, the better and it IS right for your kids anyhow.

I think that was nice for you and her to see.

[oad]

25 years thanks for answering, I appreciate it. The changes im making in me is putting my selfish need of a career that just didn't work out. Im an actor and producer, and although I had some success I know that I made my wife feel like the provider for longer than I should have. Yes I did things wrong in my marriage, but she held things in and would encourage me to continue while deep inside she hated it. I know have a golden opportunity at a new career making great money and completely stable, I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, im focused now on getting that job and an apartment and providing stability for my children and for myself. I spent a long time in self pitty and not truly seeing my actions which caused this. Im really hurting inside and its hard to figure out what to do, but I know if I just focuse on me and what I need to change in my life that everything will follow. I was a great provider for our family for 10 years, its when we decided that I should quit my job to pursue the acting career is when [censored] went south. Im very thank full you took the time to give me your advice...I hope you remain on my thread for more. its a tough road im on and I can imagine my W is on a toughfer one.

[oad]

well I went out on a boat with my daughters today and had a great day, came home and W was with her divorced friend at her pool all day...when wife showed up about 1 hour late she came in the house all nice(a difference from yesterday when she was all attitude towards me and crying how she cant afford the house anymore and wants to get her own place, all I said to her was I know this is difficult for you and we will get through this.)

anyways she was all nice and joined me for a smoke outside, started cheap talking about her day and what she did and was very adamant about proving she was at the pool by showing me the texts between her and her friend after she left??? anyways I was very tired and really not in the mood to hear her yap away all about her and her day so I excused myself and went home. Man im getting sick and tired of all this crap!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Let me get this straight...

And btw, you MAY want to consider is advice I got from my DB coach.

The DB coach said if there is inappropriate talk with your spouse, (like of an OM/OW) then you get off the phone, end the conversation.

But when a WAS opens up about their life, you "LISTEN LIKE A LOVER".

Now, ^^that SORT of goes against things I think I've read elsewhere, but this was crystal clear from my DB coach, and not some "rules" we gathered into bullet points. This was serious advice.

I think it CAN make sense, depending on our situations.

In your case, You SAY you admit the issues that are YOURS, that you have been selfish and self centered in the past.

So your w opened up to you about HER life and HER days' events. She did not ask you about yours.

Since HER day bored you, and or wasn't about you, enough, you are now

"Sick of that crap".

Hate to point this out, but do you See any old behavior here?^^^^


If I were you, I would start seizing & making the most of these opportunities to show her the new you

(the you who IS interested in HER day to day life, even the minute details, b/c that is what close, loving spouses DO)

Use those opportunities to SHOW her the new you!

[Maybell]

25yrs, I don't want to hijack here, but I need advice on my thread when you get a moment... Thanks!