Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25yearsmlc. Thanks for your questions.

No. I don't think of suicide anymore. That was only in the days after I discovered the A. Yes I have children and it would not set a good example. I didn't kill myself because I have too much going for me. Not to toot my own horn, but I have many redeeming qualities, talents and abilities.

Glad to hear this^^. (seriously)


My first marriage ended when my wife had an A and asked me to move out. Our relationship had gone downhill, we hadn't slept together for 10 years and it basically fizzled out.

That's a LONG time to put up with a sexless (loveless??) marriage. 10 years...why do you think it fizzled out?

I mean, I know that no sex for a decade kills most marriages - but why did that happen in the first place? (I assume that is what you are referring to when you say it "fizzled out". )

So, any insights there?

It wasn't the marriage either of us wanted anyway, however we did produce 3 amazing children, all gifted and talented.

I assume ^^ that means the kids are happy and well adjusted? So, why would both of you have a marriage neither wanted? Why do YOU think?

Yes This does matter, btw. It's not "all irrelevant history" -- if there are any patterns or lessons Unlearned.

As for self improvement I've become more aware of my emotional life, I've become more empathetic, seeing things from another's point of view, I've slowed way down - I used to be run-run-run frantic and so busy I'd fill any open time with activities.

How or in what way do you think you now show increased awareness of your emotional life (what does that mean exactly, anyhow?)

And how are you showing increased empathy? I ask you this for a reason Peter, but NOT b/c I'm doubting it. Specificity builds believability and consistency...so the more specific you are in your behavior changes, the more believable they are AND the more consistent you'll be with them. Make sense?


I was on half a dozen committees and boards of directors. My franticness would make my W anxious. My W always asked to spend time doing fun stuff, but I was so busy I rarely took her up on it. Now I have time to read and relax. I quit all my committees and boards.

Not sure about how you know she "felt anxious" but I can easily see how she'd see a frantic "too busy to live" approach in you.

To be rejected/turned down when she offered you a fun thing to do, so you could keep an outside commitment, would make any wife unhappy.

I hope by quitting the extraneous activities (most married parents with 3, do NOT belong to half a dozen committees or boards).

I'm actually wondering about the whole :"father stays at home" thing now, for you. Maybe you ought to work (for money) so you can ease your wife's anxieties AND you won't be working much more than now, yet you'll be earning money.

In other words, that much unpaid work, with kids, is almost a sabotaging of your family's finances. Just think about that okay?


My W & I run a retirement home - well that's her business, but I do help her a lot. I have my own business as well. But she's burnt out from working 18 month steady since we bought the place (although she did take time out to have an A - I guess that was her escape).

In our marriage, she would give in to my wishes all the time, because she wanted to please me, she didn't want to disappoint me.

When you read the "Five Love Languages", focus in on what happens when a woman goes on without her love tanks being filled for a very long time, which is clearly the case here....and think about how rushed you seem to be, given how 'long you have waited in limbo" compared to how long SHE endured having few or none of HER needs met. She stayed and stayed and worked and worked...

Hey, not trying to guilt you but giving you a heads up about the shoe on the other foot/. Since you are working on empathy and all....


I ate it up. But she felt like she started losing her identity and then she started feeling resentful.


That^^ can't be a shock, right? I mean, that reaction is normal isn't it?


She kept saying, "I just want my life back", but I didn't really understand what she meant my that.

So what did you do?


Now I know. She catered to me to the detriment of her own individuality.


I think (but am not positive) that any time someone "Caters" to another, it can't be something that lasts AND is positive. It can only be in a "gift" situation or illness/recovery because by it's very nature, it's unfair. It's one sided.


Now if she does something for me because I ask but it's not exactly what she wants, I stop her and tell her not to do it. Only do it if she really wants to in her heart. Don't do it to please me or to not disappoint me. So I've caught her a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and I stopped her, saying that this is the pattern of behaviour that got us into this mess, and I won't let it continue. Still I need to keep hyper vigilant to make sure we don't engage in that pattern of behaviour.

Hey, no offense, okay? But this^^ implies that SHE must change HER behavior. The reality is You do as well. What are you doing to keep your needs in check? How are you working on NOT asking so much of her, so often?

How are you doing learning about what she does like and enjoy, so you know you are not again asking her to "endure" something she does not enjoy?

Detachment: yes I'm having a very hard time with that. I've been going over my detachment manifesto with my IC and will continue in that thread with my IC later this coming week.

My reaction to your "manifest" (well named, btw) was that it was way too complicated & long. Overly so.

I felt as if you were bludgeoning someone with that opinion, and I could not help but wonder how much of it was truly needed. Yes--yes it was well written, albeit repetitive. I liked almost all of it.

But altogether, it was too long for something that needs to come natural to us. Then, along with the other pages of material you printed, I had to wonder if this was just SO MUCH stuff in your head, and not enough sinking into your heart.

Any ideas?


My W & I see each other almost every day. I love her dearly and she says she loves me.

Is it possible you ought to keep your feelings to yourself for a bit? I think she knows how you feel, don't you? I mean, was that an issue for you two?


However she is very angry at me and can't seem to let go of that anger. It's preventing her from R.

A reconciliation at this point would be premature. I mean, don't rush this. It's far better to take it slowly, b/c rushing it often ends it for good.

What NEW told do you have for dealing with things? What are your NEW GAL and 180s? You said a few vague things about them, but you really seem to want to rush back and Peter,

you rush at your peril.


That makes me sad. It makes her sad too, but she's ok with being stuck - she says it's part of the process.

SHE has not been at this in a DB way for very long, nor have you. "Stuck" is more for couples at this for years and that was your Last marriage, not this one. Maybe your past is making you more in a hurry b/c you don't want to waste so much time again..

So it's hard to detach when we spend so much time together. I think that's good, trying to fill the love bucket.

So these^^ two sentences conflict. You think it's hard to detach when you are together but i the next sentence you reveal you do not want to detach' you want to show her the new you. But you can do both at the same time, detach AND show the new you.

IN fact in your situation being detached would be a 180 and would also show her the new you but you also have to show somehow that SHE and spending time with her are your priorities.


As for GAL activities, I was going to the jazz club every Sat night. I tried Tai Chi once - didn't really like it. I play in a rock band weekly. But I haven't really gone out and done something totally new for me. I like just staying home and reading. I'm a bit of a loner I guess, although I do really enjoy going out and meeting new people. I just haven't done it.

I call BS on that^^. IT's Double speak for you being stuck and Not getting out of your comfort zone. If I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever I can to expand my comfort zones ASAP.
Period.

You have a history of changing too slowly, and being in a mediocre relationship or being the cause of one, for a decade.

That's just Way too long. What can You do? YOU can Work harder, dig deeper and figure out what about YOU -not them-- makes it hard to stay invested.

What can YOU do differently so you are not here again in 3 years?

Thanks for the suggestions, 25yearsmlc. I do need to get out and do stuff, meet people.


Even when I sit at home and read, it angers my W because she envious that I have time to read.

Why do you say she is angry and what did SHE SAY to you about it? If she truly does not have time to read, YOU need to help her get some.

Why do you believe she is envious of you having time to read? B/c she doesn't? B/c she works and does housework, and you don't but you do have time to "read and relax?"

What can you do to help her so she doesn't do all the work? How can you help her have some free time and what can you do in your free time to help around the house or finances?

Sort of stupid, because she has time to read to, but she can't seem to concentrate or focus enough to read - her mind is still scrambled.

^^^ this is you totally mind reading and totally absolving yourself of any role in her schedule. Maybe that's fair...maybe


She does watch a lot of Netflix. That's her down time.

Okay that sounds what exhausted people do....but I'm sensing some judgement on it. Or not?


So I guess I'll have to see what's going on in town and try out a few groups. I could volunteer - there's lots of demand for that.

I'd start with making HER LIFE EASIER, helping HER GAL, and then work on the GAL things for you. It's something she has every right to want, and I think she has been clear there, don't you?

I'm going on a 4 day hike with my sons this coming weekend. But right now I'm busy reshingling my roof - got another 3 or 4 days to get it done, while my W is in Florida taking a much needed vacation. She'll be back Thursday and then I'm gone on the hike Friday, so we'll touch base Thursday night. I haven't heard from her at all in 2 days. I'm not about to text her or call her. I'll wait for her to initiate contact with me.

Makes sense. Has she contacted the kids at all? And do you have 2 sons and a daughter or 3 sons? I thought I read you had 4 kids, but must have confused you with someone else.

It's been quiet from the W for 2 days now. I hope she's getting sleep - she was sleep deprived for a long time since she was working the night shifts at the retirement home.

So that's it from here.

Keep on keeping on. Do what works, and Do NOT do what doesn't work.

Sure, it IS simple. But it's not easy... just not complicated.

Stick to it.