New here - frozen in should I stay or should I go?

[rayzzz]

I need to figure out me first, without walking away or doing anything destructive to our R. And see how that fits. I think I have let his needs/wants be foremost for so long that I need to work on getting my needs/wants in a kind way, if that makes sense? And not trying to anticipate his feelings if I do this or that. Just do what I want.

Yes Shanti makes perfect sense. My WAW always said "why do i have to be the martyr? When do I get to be happy and do something for myself?" ugh. IMHO if I had known she was always taking the bullet and sacrificing herself I would've made sure I changed everything cause of course she doesn't have to be a doormat. Learning this after the fact kills me I love her so....wish I had elephant ears to have heard this!

The fact you are working on this without walking away....you are yards ahead of me and my stonewalled WAW in our separation.

I'm tired of putting my wants to the side out of deference to him. It felt as if I gave, gave, gave, but never was given any, you know? If we can survive in an environment where I matter too, maybe we can do this. That's how I feel today anyway.

Yes your husband was certainly selfish and has taken advantage of you for years ....but if he's like the rest of us blockhead LBS..he wants to 180 that away...but IDK him... Again a huge huge regret for me after the fact. It has to be a partnership where you and H feel valued of course. In the end just like DB..it is saving ourselves which will ultimately give us any chance to save our M.
One bit of advice you may find helpful is what has been a plumbline that my therapist told me:
> You are each on your own journey, and your relationship is , in a
> sense, on its own journey as well. It will only be healthy if the both
> of you maximize your personal wellness health, that is the foundation.
> From there, you both make decisions about what the future will be.
> Without that health, there is no decision to make.

Keep working on being healthy,finding the real you..I will do the same and we'll see where the M goes =D From my LBS perspective you are approaching this from a good place...excited to see what kind of fruit you bear in your transformation. hang in there