Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[PeterV2]

Hi 25yearsmlc. Thanks for your questions.

No. I don't think of suicide anymore. That was only in the days after I discovered the A. Yes I have children and it would not set a good example. I didn't kill myself because I have too much going for me. Not to toot my own horn, but I have many redeeming qualities, talents and abilities.

My first marriage ended when my wife had an A and asked me to move out. Our relationship had gone downhill, we hadn't slept together for 10 years and it basically fizzled out. It wasn't the marriage either of us wanted anyway, however we did produce 3 amazing children, all gifted and talented.

As for self improvement I've become more aware of my emotional life, I've become more empathetic, seeing things from another's point of view, I've slowed way down - I used to be run-run-run frantic and so busy I'd fill any open time with activities. I was on half a dozen committees and boards of directors. My franticness would make my W anxious. My W always asked to spend time doing fun stuff, but I was so busy I rarely took her up on it. Now I have time to read and relax. I quit all my committees and boards.

My W & I run a retirement home - well that's her business, but I do help her a lot. I have my own business as well. But she's burnt out from working 18 month steady since we bought the place (although she did take time out to have an A - I guess that was her escape).

In our marriage, she would give in to my wishes all the time, because she wanted to please me, she didn't want to disappoint me. I ate it up. But she felt like she started losing her identity and then she started feeling resentful. She kept saying, "I just want my life back", but I didn't really understand what she meant my that. Now I know. She catered to me to the detriment of her own individuality.

Now if she does something for me because I ask but it's not exactly what she wants, I stop her and tell her not to do it. Only do it if she really wants to in her heart. Don't do it to please me or to not disappoint me. So I've caught her a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and I stopped her, saying that this is the pattern of behaviour that got us into this mess, and I won't let it continue. Still I need to keep hyper vigilant to make sure we don't engage in that pattern of behaviour.

Detachment: yes I'm having a very hard time with that. I've been going over my detachment manifesto with my IC and will continue in that thread with my IC later this coming week.

My W & I see each other almost every day. I love her dearly and she says she loves me. However she is very angry at me and can't seem to let go of that anger. It's preventing her from R. That makes me sad. It makes her sad too, but she's ok with being stuck - she says it's part of the process. So it's hard to detach when we spend so much time together. I think that's good, trying to fill the love bucket.

As for GAL activities, I was going to the jazz club every Sat night. I tried Tai Chi once - didn't really like it. I play in a rock band weekly. But I haven't really gone out and done something totally new for me. I like just staying home and reading. I'm a bit of a loner I guess, although I do really enjoy going out and meeting new people. I just haven't done it.

Thanks for the suggestions, 25yearsmlc. I do need to get out and do stuff, meet people. Even when I sit at home and read, it angers my W because she envious that I have time to read. Sort of stupid, because she has time to read to, but she can't seem to concentrate or focus enough to read - her mind is still scrambled. She does watch a lot of Netflix. That's her down time. So I guess I'll have to see what's going on in town and try out a few groups. I could volunteer - there's lots of demand for that.

I'm going on a 4 day hike with my sons this coming weekend. But right now I'm busy reshingling my roof - got another 3 or 4 days to get it done, while my W is in Florida taking a much needed vacation. She'll be back Thursday and then I'm gone on the hike Friday, so we'll touch base Thursday night. I haven't heard from her at all in 2 days. I'm not about to text her or call her. I'll wait for her to initiate contact with me.

It's been quiet from the W for 2 days now. I hope she's getting sleep - she was sleep deprived for a long time since she was working the night shifts at the retirement home.

So that's it from here.