1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thanks Nettles. You're absolutely right on the anger part. It's like my therapist, he hates when I call it 'anxiety'. He says it's fear. Likewise, I do have anger. I've been trying really hard to let it go, but it's not always easy to know when I'm letting it go vs. burying it.

One thing I'm trying to do is document my angry thoughts, then try really hard to understand my STBX's point of view on those issues and the role I played in it. It turns out one of the reasons I have had such a hard time validating her point of view in the past is that I was threatened. Co-dependency/self-loathing/neediness- it made me believe that if I let my partner copilot the ship I wouldn't get what I needed. Which is true to a point, but only because I needed more than is reasonable. I am trying to grow stronger on my own so next time I'm in an R I can allow my partner equal voice without being so terrified about the situation.

As for the "I hope we can stay friends" thing, you're right again. No need to reply. Tonight I was over to see the children and there were some brief friendly exchanges. Nothing more than how you'd treat a neighbor, but that's a big step from not communicating. And the text message exchanges are new since Friday. So if nothing else it's a step towards an amicable divorce and an effective co-parenting relationship.

My DB coach told me there are 4 steps. 1) let the dust settle, 2) form a new relationship that's NOT a marriage but instead a good co-parenting partnership based on autonomy, good will, and respect, 3) romance, 4) reconciliation. Basically it's a win to get to step two. Not every divorced couple does. And if I do, there is no going to step 3 without a LOT of time spent rebuilding trust and showcasing changes that I MUST make. Of course, there are no guarantees that it will go beyond step 2. But if it did that is the road.

So I feel the dust is starting to settle (probably a bit more for her but I've done a good job acting sane). So we're starting on step 2. And for the friendship thing, there is no immediate concern about boundaries because 'friendly neighbor' is the right tone for at least a while longer. I am talking with my DB coach on Thursday, I will ask her opinion about how to handle it if STBX starts looking for anything beyond the role of a neighbor. I doubt that will happen anytime soon but want to be prepared.

In the meantime I will continue to work on myself, be the best parent I can be, and showcase my 180s during our interactions. I've done a good job so far in terms of not doing anything destructive, but it's been easy as there hasn't been much face to face contact. Hoping that my foundation strengthens so I don't make any blunders/backslides and pass any 'tests' thrown my way.

On the note of personal growth...yes, I'm still off porn. Not expecting a medal, but after 20 years I surprised myself. Each day I'm getting a tiny bit stronger on my own, two steps forward, one back, it's a journey. There are some real low moments, but more and more those are moments and not constants. It's been a big help to know that worst case scenario we will have a respectful co-parenting relationship. It's not what I want but that is something I'm VERY grateful for. Thank you all for the feedback and support!