1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[Oxford1]

Barrybran, thank you so much for you post. I can't begin to tell you how helpful the feedback is and how very much I appreciate you and each and every person here who continues to read my story and try to help me along.

Here's one thing that I keep stumbling on when reflecting upon the latest outburst with H. The thing is, the conversation went badly from the getgo because he was not remotely interested in dealing with this latest challenge. He was DEAD silent on the phone and then when I tried to put it back on him by asking if he had any thoughts around how to help me feel safe he basically gave me nothing, just: well, I'll go to work and that's that. I was totally unprepared for ZERO solutions from him. I was so anticipating this conversation and to get nothing from him when we had been connecting so much, it was really a big letdown. Then I started the questioning because I thought somehow that would draw things out. As I said, he's a horrible communicator. I thought I just need to somehow get it out of him. But that didn't go well either.

I guess my point is that I was really, really trying to do the right things. But somehow it still all went wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses but I just don't know how to deal with him, seriously. In some ways I'm a little baffled how I would handle the situation differently. I guess my only option would have been to get off the phone as soon as he had no solutions to offer? I honestly don't know and it worries me. I honestly don't have this level of challenge around communication with anyone else in my life.

mdu,
Sorry to see that you are almost back to square one. I am glad you admitted you slipped backwards with the way you have been communicating with your H. I too do that with my WW.
I sat down and figured out when I do it..
1) when I get mixed messages from supporters on what to do (not from DB Forum, its been great)
2)when I start to feel connected to my WW again and she does something to push me back
3)when OM is in town and she is hanging with him (As a friend...

What I realized today is that sometimes our mouths take the negativity off of the OP and put it right on us.
For example today my ww was rushing me when we were at the gym (yes we live together), I said don't rush me for "him", she said I just don't want there to be an altercation with him (oh great she and he have altercations)
So I like an IDEEOOT said "Boy he has you on a really short leash doesn't he? She responded (here is where her frustration with him became focused on me) Oh yeah not as short as the one you had on me for 30 years...

Get my point. Sometimes its best not to say anything and let them wallow in their own mud!

Good Luck
Ox