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[booklvr]

Well, I'm back after a couple of weeks of reading and thinking. I decided to have a conversation with him, mainly about the state of our relationship. I don't know how to rate how productive the talk was, but at least we talked.

* I brought up maybe trying counseling, or couples classes, to which he gave no answer.
* I brought up the state of our sex life, to which he gave no answer. I suggested how much my state of well-being could be improved by our engaging in intimacy regularly (i.e. it lowers cortisol, raises oxytocin, helps with regulating hormones, pain, etc.) I just don't understand with all the benefits he would get out of it, why he isn't banging me all the freakin time!! He gets angry at me when I am sad, sex helps with depression...
* He said there needs to be changes in order to fix our relationship: 1) clean off the stairs (I keep things there because I deal with chronic pain and it is easier than going up and down the stairs to get something) 2) clean out the bread basket (it collects junk other than bread) 3) clean out the fridge (although there are two families using it & I just did) 4) stop my 7-year-old grandson from running through the house (how, how do you make a kid with adhd stop running?). And, these things are just the beginning, there is more that he has yet to tell me.
* I brought up how concerned I am about his drinking. He drinks a handle of whiskey about every 4-5 days.
* We talked about our daughter living in the house. He wants her out (at this point, they do not like each other). She has lived here for 2 years after having to move back in. She has since gotten a really good job (good enough to have her kicked off of ANY assistance), finally gotten her credit back in check (long story, my fault), and is currently looking for a place that she can afford. She found a 1 bedroom apartment for about $1100 a month, but it will mean she has to drop her health insurance. She's since asked us to evict her, which will put her at the top of the list for assisted housing, which she is currently at the very bottom of because she makes too much money.
* He told me that it is my fault that our relationship is not well, that I am the reason he is so unhappy, that I am uncaring, deceitful, that I am using him for financial well-being, I am sabotaging his life, and that I don't respect him.

The next evening, because I couldn't sleep, I brought the entire thing up again. He told me no to the counseling. He told me that I dictate everything, and that will stop (i.e. which lights are on in the house, the fans, the cats (?)). He 'fired' me from doing the finances, because I'm dictating where the money goes, although we just went to a financial adviser and he knows there is no room for anything other than what he saw on paper. btw: he spends over $600 a month on lunches out, golfing, alcohol, and gasoline. After about an hour, he finally started being a little more loving, and suggested we make an appointment for intimacy. I agreed and we said sometime this weekend. Well, he got so s***-faced last night that he passed out on his chair and he is gone most of the day today to spend time with a Buddhist buddy of his.

I'm sitting here feeling little hope, and I am embarrassed because I essentially begged for sex. Ugh!

My daughter has just recently begun to talk to me about his drinking. I try to avoid talking about it with her because I know it would piss him off to know we are. She wants me to talk to my IC about things. She said it makes her very upset to see how he is emotionally manipulating and abusing me. She thinks he is gross (he has let himself and his hygiene go), and that I should divorce him, get disability, and move on with my life. I've told her I don't want to talk to her about these things, but she keeps bringing it up. All I can think about is how much it would piss him off, and how he would think I was being disloyal & disrespectful to him by talking to her (and you fine people).

I'm at a loss. I want the boy back that I married. The guy I fell in love with when I was 14. The boy that adored me and thought it was cool that I took care of things. The man who didn't resent me for taking charge, getting sick and failing on my part of our plan, and who understands how hard it is for our daughter to make her way out in the world without the help from those who love her (btw: the baby-dad is completely out of the picture and she gets no help from him at all).

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it out there by myself. I don't have the energy or strength to take on the world, and I'm drowning in depression!