I found myself feeling left a little outside today. Ds where naturally clinging to W after 2 weeks so she became the center of their attention – I had gotten used to be there and it is a nice place to be. I will mind this for the future and not arrange something like today.
I simply do not understand your thinking here. You invited your W to be your guest at your home. It comes across as you being jealous of her getting so much attention from the children. Do you want to reconcile or not? B/c if you do, you need to get your act together about this type of attitude or thinking.
Both of you are jealous of your time with the girls, which is common when there is a separation. She is jealous of how you give undivided attention to the girls......as priority over giving her your attention when she wants it. But you are just as jealous when she is the center of their attention!
You are still wanting to cling to the "rules" applied when she first left you. Remember, you have to readjust or shift according to your stitch as it is presently. I see the main problem being you can't decide if you really want to be with W now or not. You keep saying you are not ready and need to work on yourself more. You struggle about what you see as her cake eating verses working toward a possible reconciliation.
It is great to continue working on yourself. We should never stop working to improve ourselves! But I am wondering if you are doing the same thing you did about getting married. It was never the right time b/c you thought the R needed to be better before making it official. Do you see what I am trying to explain? It's kind of like waiting until you can finacially afford to have children. You never reach that point. You waited too long about finding the perfect time to get married. Now you are waiting until you are more improved before considering reconciling. In the meantime, you waffle back & forth between keeping her closed out completely and leaving open a tiny little crack.
One major thing on her part was & is her wanting to continue family times. I believe you proved to her this was not going to happen after she left you. I think you did a fantastic job, btw. Both of you struggled and suffered through that period, before she saw she wasn't going to have it both ways. Then the communication became very strained b/c you pulled way back and was unavailable to her frequent texting, etc. That was exactly what you needed to do, at that time. Down the line, the two of you began to butt heads and her frustration was clearly seen, which was expected. So then you see a switch in how pleasant she responds in her conversations. Almost as if she may be trying to tear down a wall between you? IDK.
Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I believe you have done a wonderful job! I am only stating my observations. It is difficult to know where she stands. She has not given any hints, that I can see, of wanting to reconcile. I believe she stills longs for family times. I also believe she has learned you are not going to bend her way easily. She has not been able to have you as her "friend". Do you agree and feel this has been accomplished? Do you feel you need to prove anything further alone these lines? Do you believe she has learned it didn't turn out the way she thought it would when she left you?
When you enter the phase of seeing a possible R on the horizon, it is a slippery slope. I still believe the WAS needs to do some work to get the LBS back. But if the LBS wants to R, he should not intentionally place barriers in the path. That is what I meant about readjusting some of the "rules" to fit the current stitch. The goal would be for her to see a R being possible. Since your W has not shown any evidence of having OM in the picture, there would not be the problems that other couples face when there has been an A. I personally believe the WAW in an A should work harder at getting the LBH back, than maybe the WAW who has not been involved with anyone else. Your stitch is maybe the second or third story I remember reading on the board where there was no third party involved. Very unusual around here.
Don't misunderstand what i'm saying about R. You do not have to compromise your values, boundaries, or where you stand on what you would expect in the MR, or anything like that. You certainly do not want to return to old habits. You want to continue being an attractive male, in every sense. If you want to R with her, I think you will need to show more warmth or friendliness toward her. It's sometimes difficult to evaluate from reading your post b/c I know we get very small glimpses of what goes on. I'm not saying to persue her yet. I think it needs to go slowly. She may not know what she wants, either. Maybe try to be a little more agreeable with her, and don't seek to have everything your way? Maybe don't try to cut the conversations so short now? And as things warm more, maybe try once to ask her how she is or something about her personal life. Just try once to see what kind of response you get. It is a little pursuit, but also a little test to see if she responds warmly to it........but only if you are wanting to reconcile. Then, wait to see her next move. As I said, it is a slippery slope.
It is difficult for me to really know how to advise you at this point, simply b/c you are undecided about the stitch. You say she is "gone". She has probably been depressed b/c this seperation did not bring happiness. But if she is not interested and has not given any hints of wanting to be with you......then you may need to give more consideration of letting it go and just work on having a good co-parenting relationship. If you believe you can move on and not suffer the pain you experience now, perhaps that is what you need to do. It is your decision to make and I will try to support whatever you decide. In the meantime, I will be here making suggestions to think about and try.
Just sharing a thought that has been in the back of my mind for a very long time. If things were to progress and you decided you wanted to really go all the way and R with her, I think you need to do it right the second time around. Buy a ring and purpose to the lady! Take her to a romantic place and the whole deal. But not tomorrow or next week. It is just something to think about.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
