1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

Already feeling like the day is a struggle to get through. Not feeling anxious, sad more than anything. Sad that things are in such a horrible, horrible place. And extremely disappointed in myself for my contributions. I know I need to forgive myself and just try to do right going forward.

H may seriously pick this OW over me. It's a very real threat. It makes me feel like such a loser.

My mantra right now is "No pressure, no pressure, no pressure." I cannot put ANY pressure on H. I am 1000% confident that will push him right into OW's arms. I have a sense that was attractive about her/their relationship --- that it was super easy, fun and she didn't pressure him for more in any way. But more importantly, if I pressure him he *might* pick me but I would always wonder if he truly wanted me or just caved.

I flip flop all around. I feel so badly about myself but then I get angry at him for what he did. Then I get calm and realize that despite all my flaws he has many too and he really does not deserve any of my thoughts or attention right now. He needs to figure this out and do some earning back into the M.

I think the right place for my mindset to be is somewhere meddling this all. Acknowledge that I have done wrong, work like heck to change that. But also strong in my resolve that H needs to fix this mess to my satisfaction and I shouldn't settle for less just to have him back. He needs to recognize his contributions and do the same work I am trying to do.

Today, I must fight any thoughts about H or OW and just focus on myself and my kids. So off I go, not letting myself get back on the BB and ruminate about this until late afternoon (~ 6 hours). Little goals ;-)