1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

My sister in law just updated her facebook cover photo to a big family picture including me, H and our kids. My stepson's fiancé just sent me a picture of her wedding invitations (wedding is in earl October). Two more very painful reminders of our very broken family. Unfortunately not only was I convinced we were firmly on the reconciliation path I think a lot of others did too. I really think we were until this latest development with OW moving. I keep thinking what horrible, horrible timing but maybe it's for the best. I'd rather things completely implode now than 6mos-1 year from now when he could be home and things would be even worse for the kids if he left again.

I have not reached out to H since yesterday morning and really have zero desire to. It continues to amaze me what a mess he has created with this OW. I updated a couple of friends on this latest development and they, of course, think I should just leave him. I'm not at that point yet but am feeling a tiny bit of ambivalence creeping into me.

I just don't see how things can work out under the current circumstance. It took H months for his feelings for OW to die down enough for him to start to have room to start feeling for me again. Now they're going to get all kicked up again and there won't be a way for them to get away from each other so they can die, so they'll keep getting kicked up. The only hope I think I have is if somehow her presence turns him off. That maybe having her right in his office will kill the fantasy, especially if she starts applying any kind of pressure. Even though she may have eliminated the distance barrier to their relationship the fact that they work for the same company is still a barrier for anything long term. While she doesn't report in to him because he is so high level their relationship would likely still be considered unethical. I imagine one of them would have to leave the company if they were seriously interested in trying to pursue a long term future.

I actually feel sort of bad for H. As I write all of this I can imagine the stress and anxiety he must feel over her coming. Of course, he also maybe terribly excited about it, thinking that she's doing it for him and feeling extremely flattered. But my gut says he's probably overwhelmed and freaked and not in a good way. Either way, it just becomes clearer and clearer that backing off and giving him space is the way to go. Ideally, if I talk to him, I would be so detached I could empathize with how stressful this must be for him. I think that would be a good stretch goal for me, lol!

Interestingly, at the moment, I feel pretty calm about the whole thing. 'Let it Be' is now my theme song :-)