Finding my way - part 2

[Meghan]

Journaling: Today was day two of no contact with H. It feels off – we both generally have IM active on our computers, and so we can see when the other is online. I’ve been getting out as much as possible and spending time with family but it’s odd to sit here working, knowing he’s likely right there, and not saying anything.

No contact has been challenging. I’m hoping it gets easier over time. Normally we talk quite a bit. Even these past few weeks when things weren’t so good at home we were both there and he was talking to me, and I was talking to him a bit too, but less than normal and largely when he engaged me. This is one reason why this time is likely to be important, though – we’re in each other’s business all the time, and hopefully this will give us the space to get away, clear our heads, and figure things out. He said he wanted space, so that’s what I’m going with.

I miss him, though. I miss sharing how my day was, listening to him talk about what he’s working on, and telling stupid jokes or sharing interesting articles. At the end of the day it feels like a huge piece of me is missing, and there are moments when I badly want to reach out just to see how he is, to let him know that I care about him and what he’s doing right now, and to assure myself that he’s not upset with me for not being in contact with him (which I know is pursuing, assuming, and clearly daft in many ways). To be clear, I haven’t contacted him, and I don’t plan to. I just need to get this out and acknowledge it.

I spent a bunch of time with my parents today, which was nice. We talked a bit about the situation, although there were no startling revelations or insights, just more confusion. I got out and went for a walk. I also did a bit of secondhand shopping, which I always find relaxing, and treated their car as my own personal soundstage with crazy loud music playing while I was driving. Tomorrow I’ll be spending the whole day with an old friend, and I’m really looking forward to it. He’s been really supportive and insightful, and I could use some hugs. I’m also hoping to see some more friends while I’m here, and I’ve been stretching a bit and sending emails to people who I haven’t been in contact with for awhile, which has felt both uncomfortable and good.