Oh the issues are big and deep. Where shall I begin? We've had an unhealthy marriage for so long I can't really pinpoint the exact issues except to say that I've treated him like a child forever, emasculated him, distrusted his ability to handle pretty much anything without my criticism or correction, been disrespectful, and emotionally beaten him down to where he has nothing left. Nothing. And to make matters worse, I spoke badly about him (every single thing about him) to other people via text and he found them. I did this while he was going through treatment for thyroid cancer last year. Yes. I did that. He's so hurt by my backstabbing and complaining about him that he can't get those words out of his head. Understandably.
He has said that he dislikes everything about our relationship. That he can't trust me, questions my principles, morals and thinks my promises are empty. He wants to feel appreciated (which I never did), loved (which I never did), emotionally connected with (which I didn't try hard enough to do in a way that would work), like a MAN (which I beat down and to be able to have self respect (which I took from him). These are all things he deserves unquestioningly just simply because he is human. I have truly been a monster. Last year when I made promises I promised to be more loving and to be more affectionate and to have sex more. It lasted a month, maybe. It isn't that my promises were empty but I was looking for HIM to change and meet me half way. HE needed more from me to make changes and I see that now. If I'd read DB last year things would be different but I didn't and they aren't. I know now my path. I know what to do if things get rocky. I know now how he feels when I reject him sexually. I know now how he feels when I emasculate him, even inadvertently. I know now how much I've done to him and how much I've stepped on him. I now have a path, goals, a process, a plan. Last year I had none of those things, I was just flying by the seat of my pants hoping he'd see changes in me and when he didn't, I just said, "Oh well, there's only so much I can do alone in this". Now I know differently.
I know what you mean by not talking about my changes but I'm at a loss with this one because he doesn't want to see my changes. He's happy I'm making changes so the divorce will be easier. That's not what I want. I'm making these changes for ME so I can be a better person to HIM and for our relationship. I know the road will be hard and jagged and super rocky but I am willing to walk it because WE are worth it. If I don't ask if he's noticed he'll go a year or two without seeing them and I'm not exaggerating. My changes don't make him want to stay so how are they going to make him want to stay if I don't bring them up? I agree, I need to make them permanent and lasting - my #1 goal above all else. Nothing matters to me more.
He works ridiculous hours so if he moves out, I will quite literally not see him unless it is to exchange our daughter. A "hi, how'd things go?" or a "she has karate on Friday at 5 pm" isn't going to be enough for him to see ANYTHING let alone permanent changes I'm making. And let's say he does recognize changes, he will just say, "that's great" and move on. He won't relate it back to himself or our relationship.
I'm just so upset about all this and the ache I feel in my heart of regret, sorrow, loss, desperation, fear, anger, frustration. You're right, Ben, he has no reason to trust that I will make the changes and for them to stick. Except that I now have a path. I didn't have that last year. I can now own my role in all of this like an adult as opposed to the petulant child I've been all these years ("I did that because of YOU..."). Why should he trust me other than because I want him to? I don't have the answer to that. I wish I did. Because this time I mean it. What a sorry excuse for a reason. I know that. But I don't have endless months for this because once he's gone, he'll witness NO changes. Once he's gone that's it.
