Wife walked aways (two months ago now) new thread

[Nettles]

I've been working through the process of detaching, including traveling to the new town

How is that detaching? Read this:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

My W still hasn't admitted that she is in a R with the OP. She has been hiding that, and a couple other things from me, her family and our friends.

So is W supposed to tweet "I'm in an R with OP!"? And you seem to know a lot about what's going on with OP. Is this from social media? If so, is W really hiding it?

Last night, she called me up furious because my MIL thought I insulted her

Practice looking at things from other's POV on communication. There are two components, content and delivery. The basic content sounds valid, but how was the delivery? Is it unreasonable to think that a rational person would have been insulted? Could delivery be an issue you have? I recall an admission about how you handled W's weight.

I defaulted into the afraid of the W's anger and placating.

Yeah, I've been down this sorry road of blaming other factors. I started to recover when I thought of the phrases "I choose to" and "I choose not to". I control me. You control you. Whatever your reaction to this was, it was your choice.

One thing I noticed is that as the R with the OP gets more serious, the tension from the W gets higher and higher. Knowing my W very well, it's because she is guilty and afraid.

Sorry, but you don't know that. That's mindreading.

she is currently hiding credit card she opened (and blew up)

I assume you have proof and that isn't mindreading. You need to protect yourself ASAP. Have you talked with a L? I can give you the name of shark or a collaborative L in Austin if interested.

I want to tell her this -

I've known about known about the OP, and the CC. While I am not happy with a couple things, We both have a right to find happiness in whatever way we choose.

I choose to show compassion, and have empathy. I choose not to control her, because it only hurts me. I choose to remember the 14 years of friendship, and act as a friend first.

It's been really hard for me to find the confidence to go out alone, to start to be at ease with myself. If I was in her situation (a beautiful woman, in a new town without many past friends), I probably would have broke and found someone to hold me on those lonely nights.

The bottom line, we both deserve happiness, we both deserve the chance to find ourselves. I don't want either of us to have the added stress, and worrying about what will happen when the elephants in the room finally comes out. Lets just get it out, accept it for what it is and move on to working on our co-parenting skills and each of our personal happiness.

And what results from this discussion?