What to do with my Picnic now?

[bustingout]

I need your help.

I have been absent because things have been very ' weird' for lack of a more sophisticated word.

From my last posts, I had spoken about H seeming to be more present, more engaged.

This has continued especially with family and the kids in particular.

We also had begun discussing ( a few months back) the possibility of moving back together.

Few had a conversation in June in which he told me he will 'end his affair' and that to go from the 'if' to the ' when' of moving back together, we would talk more over the summer.

Fast forward to last week.

Me and the kids and H and all of H's family are in Germany where we meet every summer and Christmas. The past several MLC years, H has only joined us for 1 week out of the four weeks we stay here.

This year he says he is staying the whole time.

We have a good week. Nothing romantic, but good. No talks, just all of us being together, enjoying each other's company. He would tell me when he was leaving the house. He bought me a new iPad. It has been so very pleasant thank God.He seems to have upgraded me from from persona non grata to his equal.

Yesterday I see a text message from OW ( was NOT snooping... He was showing all something on his phone and it appeared). I felt like I was taken back to three years ago...the darkest of the MLC days.

Last night...
We have a talk. It's not so much of a talk and more of a vomit of anger, hurt and stubbornness. I tell him I cannot do this anymore. I am not able to continue like this. OW must go. I flubber and blubber I become a ball of emotion. The only time I check myself is when we speak about the kids, I genuinely tell H that he uses the kids in our discussions ( I don't think he realized he did). He actually took it well.

Anyway, not a very productive conversation otherwise.

This morning..

It continues somewhat. More anger. I fail at putting my 3 years of learning into practice. Only in hindsight do I see the alternative ways I could have led the conversation withe perhaps the same outcome.

He tells m he is thinking about us moving back together. In a year's time ( that was the timeline we were agreed to because of kids' schooling), and that he would respect my boundaries ( he lives in Dubai now...we would go and live as a family. His affair needs to be laid to rest). And also tells me that he has ended his affair as of two weeks ago.

He actually said ' I ended my affair'

I said he can't talk to her anymore. He said I can't tell him who he can and cannot speak to. He said they are not friends. I tried to talk about needed to close it up and have NC. It was not a good time. So much had already been said.

I did manage to at least say I am not trying to control him even though it sounds like it I know. I just couldn't get the right words out and it was not the right time.

He said he sees us moving back together as a family but not into the same bedroom.

I said then what?

He said he doesn't know. If things continue to get better between us we can see what happens.

I said are you going to respect our marriage vows?

He said well I am your legal husband. He said he needed more time.

We said we will let the dust settle and talk again later.

I am numb. I imagined over the years that I would have felt a sense of pure relief and joy when his affair ended. Instead I just feel like I have been hit over the head and not sure what just happened.

H has never once faltered in the past 4 years. He never said I miss you, he never acted with doubt, he never once hinted that he cared what he walked away from.

He never said his affair was over. Until now. God Protect Us.

Oh man... What now?