Dealing with WAW Part 2

[pilot]

I sense a lot of love on both sides but wounded egos, too. You both sound prideful and resentful, and neither of you talks openly enough.

Probably a lot of truth in that.

I think you are understating how wounded she was and for how long. I really don't think you recall how you behaved while medicated (I had surgery in November and the pain meds were wonderfully effective, but I have very little recall of the holidays and that's a lot of weeks!)

You bring up a good point. I honestly have not given much consideration as to what my actions were during this time. It was mostly a blur. I know my W coined the phrase "I am just going to blame the medication for that" during my medicated time. So yea, I will begin to give this serious thought and consideration.

See how the communication has improved so much....(yes, I'm being snarky. But this is an issue YOU identified as a problem. Yet you are continuing with it as before). Still No direct talks that are "uncomfortable"...and whole a lot of mind reading and planning based on things that might not be real or ever happen. How needlessly painful and what a waste of time.

Continue this old negative behavior, at your peril.
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I get what you are saying 100%. But this was during a time I was 'dark' NC and detached. I had blocked her on FB and never once took a peek at it through mine or anyone else's account. <funny story about the FB blocking. When we were at dinner, a banker who used to be a good friend of ours stopped by our table and was talking to us. After he left, my W was saying how she had unfriended the guy's wife and him from her fb and I replied in a lighthearted manner 'hey, I unfriended you" She laughed> I never asked anyone who may know her anything about what she was doing. I had to separate like this in order to detach.

I get it that we are now communicating more often, and in very friendly terms while face to face. I still do not call her or initiate texting. I am not saying I am right, I am saying I have NO IDEA how to proceed. Should I initiate a text here and there? Should I call? Should I ask her questions about what she is doing personally? Noting in any of our recent interactions has given me any indication she would be anything but ok with it. It is just that I read here on the forum that sometimes LBS get 'over anxious' when contact becomes more frequent. I just do not want to do anything wrong, so I error on the side of caution.

May I submit why I think you do harp on it so often? It goes back to the inability to forgive or let go of past hurts. It's what you learned from your parents and continue practicing. But Pilot, I think forgiveness is a learned skill and though it's a critical element of Christian belief, which you profess to have, it's not taught to us nearly enough. I also know of NO long term marriage that is happy, that did not contain chunks of forgiveness on both sides, usually one side more than the other.

You may very well be right that I am tough on forgiveness. And yes, it is a Christian value. But even God requires you ask forgiveness to receive it Jokes aside, I get your point and will reflect on it.



you also wrote: [/color]
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This^^^ is all part of legal strategizing which you keep wanting to punish her for. Either let it go, compartmentalize it (business versus emotion) or fall on your sword for it.

It is not that I want to punish her, I just want to protect myself the best I can if it comes to the point we are sitting on opposite sides of the isle in a courtroom. And yea, I agree adopting a protective position from a legal standpoint can be very counter productive to trying to resolve a M.


Ultimately, I try to be as detailed as I can here on my thoughts and actions. I want to make sure any positive AND negative actions on my part are identifiable to others so I can continue what works and work on what does not. I appreciate the in depth responses because you articulate areas I have faults and may have not been aware of them. I clearly have a lot of work to do and will work on it the best I am able.

Thanks again for your time in your responses!