Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[25yearsmlc]

...Continued (sorry had to cut out suddenly)
So it took about 6 months for her to say the affair was over after I had discovered it in Dec - it had already been going on for at least 9 months without me knowing. Yeah it's been hard. I've had days when I considered suicide.

Are you still thinking of that often? Don't you have children too? Why didn't you kill yourself? I only ask b/c I want you to think of those same reasons every time it enters your mind.

After your first marriage ended, how did you handle that? What got you thru it?

I've had days when I just wanted to say f it and file for D. And then I've had days when she holds me and kisses me. She still is not in love with me again but that will take time. I have improved myself. I work out 3 times a week - never did that before.

Great...anything else? Anything specific?


I have figured out the pattern of behaviour that we engaged in as a couple which lead to the breakdown of our M and now that I know it I can spot it every time and nip it in the bud - '

Can you list some^^ of those behaviors that you are now spotting and working on or nipping in the bud?

that's the essence of what you have to do Dawgy. Figure out what went wrong.

And get the tools needed to prevent or correct it. Knowing what went wrong is the first piece and you'd be surprised how many identify a problem and then do not solve it...

there are so many resources available today it's crazy not to get professional help with it.


It only took me 7 months to figure that out. It's a long hard road, but yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, although the tunnel sometimes is longer than it appears at first. Hang in there.

Amen....but Peter, reading your thread i am struck by the amount of time you have devoted to not being so co-dependent and on detachment (well written)

yet you still seem to be that way. I mean, What has really substantially changed in you in that regard

since I still pick up a lot of obsessing going on?

Sorry but I do get that feeling that you are so needy of her and so focussed on her. What are your GAL activities and do any involve meeting new people?

They need to. Working out is taking care of yourself but it's not getting out of your comfort zone or meeting new people who do NOT know your situation.

For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. BTW, I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Truly, Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia and GAL, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w. Plus it'll help you detach.

As much as you wrote about detachment you didn't say a lot about HOW to do it.

IMO, you cannot detach without GAL. And you cannot get healthy or heal, without detaching...so first things first...

Here are some of the GAL things...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do NOT cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.