Well My W dad called today. He said that everyone misses me at the beach house, including wife. That he talked to her and she said that I still haven't changed and I will never change. That she will be happier divorcing me.
The thing I'm still missing after reading your thread (well I've gotten this far at least) is what it is YOU are working on in yourself. She has said a few times that you are selfish, and you have vaguely alluded to "issues" you have. But I don't know a single trait you are working on. What are they?
I keep reading that SHE does not believe you are changing, then you mentioned that "it's hard to show her" your changes when you are not together, but what are they? And while all this talk about distance and pursuit is well and good,
What about the underlying problems in the marriage? I don't buy that this is all her problem. If it is, then you're pretty powerless.
Well he said that he doesn't buy it for a minute that she is happier this way. He mentioned how every morning when he goes fishing he is sad im not there with him. I love my inlaws, they are good people. Wish WAW would just stop and see whats going on. FIL says he prays every day her heart will soften. Me, im still on my road to make me a better person and father, still 100% indifferent!!!!
Here is a piece on detachment b/c I'm not one of those who thinks it's the same as indifference. More like "hey I'm busy meeting interesting people, doing fun things and going to fascinating places so, maybe I'll catch you later...bye"
But if I were working on myself as well, & wanted to show change, I'd be sure to OWN what I needed to own. Remember the 180s? What are you doing to replace & contrasts her negative images of you (justifications for leaving the m) with positive behaviors? You know, like if you are habitually late and that bothered her, now you are Mr. Punctual. Any examples of that? (Yes I realize they'll be deeper than that, but I was going for clarity).
I don't think your wife, or any WAS, will return to a marriage they left, unless they believe,
that the marriage can be better/different than before.
How are you showing her that???
Anyway,here is the piece on Detachment: (originally posted by Peanut...) II. Detachment
"Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and then we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Hope this helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
