1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

In the moment the thought crossed my mind that I should be more collaborative. But then I thought 'his mess, he cleans it up' and felt I shouldn't offer any ideas.

I guess how could I be collaborative yet not cleaning up his mess for him, kwim?

(Dang, I really feel like a emotional retard!).

[Train]

My opinion? You just stop talking about her in front of him or to him.

I mean, what's the alternative? You keep mentioning her just to make it look more "genuine"?

As for your boundary, is it not that you will not work on your M as long as OW is in the picture? A boundary isn't: "You can't speak to OW!" That is control. A boundary is: "You can't have her AND me" or "I will not be in an open marriage with a third party." So you can still be breezy with your H as long as you're taking care of you and not letting him have you both. As long as you are emotionally/physically unavailable until he makes a firm commitment, then you're still well within the lines of your boundary with the plan pitched above.

Nothing different than where you were a few weeks ago.

Your H won't believe the changes at first. You have to be consistent. That's your big job.

[Train]

You asking for his ideas is not cleaning up his mess.

You listening to his ideas is not cleaning up his mess.

Being a team member is not cleaning up his mess.

[Starsky309]

My opinion? You just stop talking about her in front of him or to him.

I mean, what's the alternative? You keep mentioning her just to make it look more "genuine"?

As for your boundary, is it not that you will not work on your M as long as OW is in the picture? A boundary isn't: "You can't speak to OW!" That is control. A boundary is: "You can't have her AND me" or "I will not be in an open marriage with a third party." So you can still be breezy with your H as long as you're taking care of you and not letting him have you both. As long as you are emotionally/physically unavailable until he makes a firm commitment, then you're still well within the lines of your boundary with the plan pitched above.

I believe mdu said her boundary was "I cannot feel safe in the marriage so long as you are still in contact with OW." ?

WHATEVER it is, she needs to decide what it is because I've NEVER been clear on just what her core non-negotiable dealbreakers were, and I can guarandamntee you her husband isn't, either!


Starsky

[Train]

Hmmmm. Yeah, mdu. That might be a great exercise for you to tackle - developing that concrete list and posting here, especially considering the new developments.

That list will really help define and place boundaries around YOU and your actions toward H from now forward.

Have fun at the concert today!!!

[mdu]

"I believe mdu said her boundary was "I cannot feel safe in the marriage so long as you are still in contact with OW." ?"

That is correct. And I've put that out there to him. But that was before I found out she was going to be moving and working in his office. Then we got into the whole...can I realistically expect him to quit his job? mess (both on here as well as with him).

[Wonka]

MDU,

Have fun at the concert and remember to be light & breezy with H over the weekend.

[Train]

I don't think saying, "I cannot feel safe until ..." is a boundary. I'd call that a statement. And it's a weak one at that. It doesn't put clearly-defined boundaries around anything.

No wonder there's a little confusion about how to respond/communicate now that OW is moving too close to home!

Starsky, you're my go-to guy for boundary-setting. Seems we may have hit a snag here. "Modifying" a boundary is surely right up there with re-stating a boundary when it comes to weakening boundaries.

So would mdu be "safe" in re-examining that boundary and tweaking it a bit, considering the recent development in the work environment? How could she do that to keep the lines of communication with her H open but also to make clear that she won't indulge in an emotional/physical relationship with him as long as he's "in contact" with OW ... when "contact," as of Monday, is a done-deal???

I'm confused FOR her right now.

[Barrybran]

Being in a different time zones means a LOT of catching up. I have a couple of thoughts:

Boundaries - mdu says she can't feel safe while H is in contact with OW but they will be working in the same office from next week. The question that stands out for me is are you (mdu) prepared to NOT have a relationship with your H while he and OW are working together OR is there something that your husband can do/not do/say/not say/whatever that will help you feel more comfortable with the situation so you may have a chance to reconcile despite his work situation?

Medium - mdu has an obvious problem with outbursts and successfully drew her husband back in by keeping things light and positive. I'm wondering if the vets feel there may be an opportunity to, for the short term, use written communication for the heavier stuff (read, STFU, think, respond; less chance of outbursts) while keeping phone/in-person interactions for the lighter stuff where she can be light, flirty and sexy and leave H with a positive impression? I feel it will give mdu a chance to learn to deal with negative information more productively without risking H seeing her emotions. Of course, long term, those skills would be transferred to phone/in-person interactions.

Also, I may have missed it but I can't recall seeing it anywhere, please please please don't go to H's work. Despite the recent setbacks you have come a long way and you know your triggers.

[mdu]

No, I can not say that I'm definitively ready to not have a relationship with H while he is working with her. However I may very quickly get there on Monday or someday next week when the reality sets in. What is most troubling to me is H's low commitment to the M. If I felt his commitment were high I could see myself being more flexible with how we deal with the work sitch. I am very scared & uncertain how to get his commitment up. I will see him briefly this am to get the kids, curious to see how he acts.