He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Betsey!

It didn't occur to me how self-righteous I had been. I locked the bedroom door not to get a reaction out of him. I was simply wanting some privacy to change clothes. It's very awkward and i'm still learning how to behave in the sitch. This is my third marriage and this is his first. My first marriage ended in infidelity on both sides and I married the man I had an affair with. My second H were divorced 9 mos before he passed away in a motorcycle accident. I came into Christ at age 27 and decided not to follow in my parents footsteps. I came from a divorce family and that stuff stays with you.

When I met my H, I was a single parent with two kids working and going to school. So, my life was busy. I had goals and knew where i wanted to go and was doing my hardest to get there. Past hurts has made me tough so to speak. I realize I couldn't be weak if I were to get anywhere in life so I took on a more masculine outlook--at least outside the home.

But this apparently carried into my relationships.

Been there, done that. My h got deployed and was out of town frequently for long periods so I'd have to do it all and when he came home it was an adjustment. But "taking over", is a dangerous thing in a marriage and it's super easy to justify.

t. Eventually, I started taking over decisions I knew I could knock out on my own. This is where it started I guess. I felt his passivity and it made me want to compensate some more.

My instincts say you resented his passivity...?? Regardless, he resented you "compensating" for it.


When it came to decisions I felt that my decisions were always the best.

Newsflash. Everyone feels this way about THEIR decisions. It's an ego thing we all have to fight and make sure we're humble enough to admit we might not be "right" and even if we are, a lot of times it's not that darn important.


So, I can understand where he would feel "cut off at the knees" as he would say it.
I thought I was just doing him/us a favor by taking one more thing off his plate that he was indifferent about.

Well obviously he was not indifferent. So you do KNOW why he's so angry and you DO know things you can work on. That is empowering!

So what are your 180s now? And what about your GAL?


Naturally, since I didn't feel any opposition from him I thought everything was good. Little did I realize he was bottling it in. This I think made him resent me and now he sees me as selfish and controlling.

So how can you contrast those images he has of you, which he uses to justify leaving, with new data that contradicts this? In other words, how are you undermining those negative views?

You need positive behaviors that contrast with his negative beliefs.Can you think of any?


Which is hard to swallow because I did my best to include him in decisions. I wanted to make sure that he chimed in on things too. I wanted him to feel included. I can't help that he didn't speak up when things bothered him.

you're starting to defend yourself here and to justify. That's pretty much a waste of time and time is short. You need to know this:

No WAS comes home to a marriage they left...UNLESS

they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.

it's the LBS job to show that, with action (not words).

So how are you DEMONSTRATING that the marriage can be better/different than before?


And yes, I become defensive when we argue. He articulates so well that I get lost in the convo and I can't keep up with what he's saying. I get even more discouraged when he says things like "You don't understand" or "You're not trying." I feel manipulated somehow so my wall goes up. My second H was verbally abusive.

how is that^^ relevant to now?

I am on day 31 of "The Power of a Praying Wife" and I actually gave the "Wild at Heart" book to my husband to read. He got through a few pages and now it's collecting dust. I will be sure to start in on that book tonight.

Giving our spouses self improvement books to read usually comes off as us telling them how THEY can improve...which is a form of criticism. It definitely doesn't do US any good. And DBIng is about doing what helps, and NOT doing what does not help. Sounds simple but if you read the books you'll recall the many cheese less tunnels we employ.


I was angry because he was not truthful about his past.

How long were you angry about that? And if it was in the past, why were you angry at all?

All he needed to do was make sure she stopped texting, which he did. I guess I don't understand why you held onto the anger...


I learned about a girl he dated off and on. Well, she started to text trying to rekindle again. I confronted him and he tried to minimize it. He said would take care of it but a week later she was texting again. Apparently, the girl did not know about me or that we were engaged to be married. For the second time, he said he would take care of it. The text did stop and eventually he got a new number. I felt betrayed and angry.


Why did you feel betrayed and angry if the texts stopped, they all came from her, and they never met up?

I had just left my life and moved to a neighboring city to be with him and he couldn't be honest with me.


Our priest once said that --
"while it's wrong to deceive a spouse in a marriage, don't give your spouse a reason to deceive.
So if the w dents the car and h goes off on her for an hour about how she 'wrecked it,' then the next time there's a fender bender, she is motivated to hide that fact from him b/c HE over reacted before..."

So is it possible your h feared your reaction to her texts? I mean, I think your reaction was pretty intense, for a past R with an ex gf, and a few texts...


He would say that "an omission is not a lie." If I didn't have any children, i would have left. It was a deal breaker for me. But, i gave it a try anyway because I loved him.


But I grew increasingly suspicious.


Not clear about why the kids being involved made you more likely to join him and not less likely...but anyhow, suspicions are very corrosive in marriages. They make us resentful and withholding.

Do you now wish you'd addressed that a lot earlier?
I mean, what have you learned about yourself that you would like to change?


Till this day, i don't have access to his credit cards even though I'm an authorized user on one of them. There are no statements that come in the mail but I see payments coming of our account each month. When I've asked he retorts with "well, i don't have access to yours either!" So I offer to exchange info but he doesn't take the bait. Hence, my continued suspicion.

Why didn't you just open yours up to him and thereby model trust for him?

I mean you would have shown him your good will (and yes, reached out FIRST) and taken the risk, but it has to have paid off better than this path did.

And how long did this stand off go on, with resentment & distrust piling on?

There are several dimensions to your dynamics, b/c you have suspicions about many things; OWs and money and his past...and decision making...so there are a lot of things to work on.

Which is kind of good news in a way. It's not as if you have no clues to work with.


I feel that things would not be an issue if he took the time to reassure me (in my language) that I was the only one in his life and give me access to his accounts. I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.

You could have opened yours, but you didn't. So he can make the same argument. Is he on your accounts like you are on his? And what is your language that you can understand and how would he know it? I'm sincerely asking b/c I feel as if there is a lot of stubbornness and mind reading going on instead of open communication.

I sense that you are a bit vague about what "accountability" would mean or to whom one would be accountable, but I sense resentment and anger from you.

So I'm not sure he'd feel comfortable or safe having you review all his purchases and choices. Especially since you say you feel your decisions are always best.


I do want to understand him and give him what he needs but sometimes it takes a while for me realize what it is I need to do/change to accomplish this.


I think you know a lot of what he needs from you. I really do. Read these posts and see what I'm saying b/c I see a ton of ways you could change yourself, and show him that the marriage COULD be better/different than before by showing that You can be.

The changes have to begin with you. You must take the first step, and YES the next step too. And the next 204905 steps, and you know why?


B/C HE is not here working to save the marriage; you are. We cannot make or help HIM do anything, and neither can you. All we can do is help YOU to change YOU. You are all you control. Let that sink in b/c we tend to resist believing it.


I'm seriously considering on signing the separation papers. However, since the condo is in his name he was requested that I move out. I feel this is unfair since it would not just be me and my stuff. It would be me, the kids, the furniture and the possibility of the children changing schools. I told him last night that it may be best if he moved out but he insisted that he wouldn't since this is his home. Well, it's my home too and i don't have a job yet. My children and I packed up and moved to be with him. It was decision i didn't come to lightly and now I'm expected to just get out.


have you consulted with a Lawyer? Just get some information about your rights and the kids b/c this obviously affects them greatly. And knowledge is power. You need "do" nothing with that information, but you will likely feel less fear if you know you are not going to be on the streets.

So is your prior h paying CS for the kids? And what other income do you have and how much longer do you have for college? Were you working at all the past 3 years?

Woundedfool, I've read DR. I've tried "Do something different," 180, and LRT. It has helped softened him a bit but then I get discouraged when the next day he pressures me to sign the separation papers. I read that I should try to stay in the same house and not separate but I feel like the only way I can get him off my back is to give him his separation.

The idea behind staying IN the house is mostly a legal reality b/c once you are out, you may lose some rights to the home. It's not always a bad idea to leave and sometimes it reduces tension a lot. For us, having h move out was sad but helpful actually. easier for him to notice changes in me when I had time between seeing him, and not every day.

But in your situation, you MUST seek out Legal counsel on this issue.

I'm not clear on why he says this is 'his" home. Was it his before you married?

Yes You definitely need some legal advice. I would not tell him about it though, unless your L thinks it's wise.

Also, what did you learn about yourself after your first 2 marriages ended?

Why did you choose this man to marry? I ask in part so you know why you are standing for your m. Helps you keep your eye on the prize and not get bogged down in small stuff. And most of it is small stuff.

Keep on keeping on.