Dealing with WAW Part 2

[pilot]

Also,

You wrote:


She was pretty happy about the compliments during the first R. She would always say thank you or acknowledge my compliments in some way. So they worked in that regards.

So you chose to stop a behavior that was working??? Wow...


Now when I do not compliment her in return as part of my detach/DB I guess its kinda like having her ask a question and I do not answer. It almost becomes a gorilla in the room. Which is why I brought it up. I suppose I could try a small one or two next time, just to see how she responds. But I do not want to give the impression I am rushing back.

You worry she'd believe you are "rushing back"? Really? and if she thought that, it would mean, WHAT?? (You "lose"?)

it's a freaking sentence. You "suppose" you could "try a small one or two next time"...OMG, Why does it "cost" you so much to say a kind remark to your w? I think this is revealing and you need to dig a bit here.

The 'cost' I was afraid of paying was backsliding. Remember, the concept of DB was extremely new to me, maybe a month or so. And when people here say sometimes STFU is the best course of action, I chose STFU. I knew I was making progress, and I did not want to ruin it. I would rather take the tortoise approach and get to the finish line than the rabbit approach and miss my exit. Again, I am not perfect, and I will not do this right most of the time. I posted weeks ago about wanting to make sure she knew there was a road back, but I also wanted to make sure she knew the road was not as simple as we pick up where we were prior to all of this. The A and OM has to be discussed/disclosed to move forward. And while I do not think we are there yet, I do not want to get it wrong and miss the proper or best opportunity to ensure the discussion/disclosure happens prior to something physical taking place between us. And I was really concerned about that happening the other day.

As for my mom, yea, maybe I never forgave her completely. I have had a much better relationship with her than my brother, but that means little. She really screwed my dad over. I have heard her reasonings. I heard the bs from her OM at the time. I even told my W when this first started I saw us having the same relationship as my dad does with my mom. It is a flaw I have for sure. I will not deny or hide from it.

I get why my mom wrote what she did. I get it was done from the heart and with good intentions. I just wish she had not.