Dealing with WAW Part 2

[pilot]

Here are some things you've written lately I want to explore.

You wrote:

One of my W's complaints with me was my lack of verbalizing affection/recognition. For example, I used to never say I love you that much. I worked on that during the first reconciliation. One of the things that drove her to her A according to what her dad said she told him was that I never would say how pretty she was etc.

Fast forward to the present. The past few meetings in person she has complimented me on my appearance. And while she looked nice, I never returned the compliments...per DB as I interpreted. Am I correct?

No you are not correct. The "rules" are NOT Rules! They are guidelines Sandi assembled based on MWD's writings. They are not meant to counter the180s you need to do or to counter the needs of your w.

She TOLD YOU that she needed WOA and you know it's one of her LL and that you have NOT fulfilled it...I cannot believe you actually think it's a "rule" to do what your wife does NOT feel loved by. I think you wanted to punish her some more or just do what's easiest for you. If you notice, except for a few financial things (and those are hotly debated by you) you take the easiest emotional path for yourself at every turn. You don't put yourself out there at all. You want to "minimize your risk" while maxing out hers.


I know it keeps within the Sandis rules,

They are NOT "Sandi's rules", they are just some general bullet points she gathered based on the books teachings. They even say "if this does not apply to your situation don't apply it" and in yours ---WOA are something that was missing in your m (and in your childhood), which your wife needs (and most women, I daresay).

but at the same time, it would be a 180 of importance. As of now, I do not plan on starting complimenting. Unless one of the many who are smarter than I chime in and tell me I am missing something.

I don't know that I'm smarter but I do know your approach of withholding compliments and words of affirmation is you choosing to NOT speak in your wife's love language and to continue in the same old destructive patterns she found so unrewarding and which you once admitted was a flaw you wanted to work on.

Stop getting amnesia.

Believe me I struggled internally with this. Every ounce of me WANTED to return compliments, and even offer them freely. I am keenly aware of them 'working' and being something she wanted. However, it was my understanding (right or wrong) that I was to give the impression of detachment and moving on. So my actions were to basically show indifference. Yea she looked really nice when I would see her. And yes I could have very easily given a genuine reply of "thanks, you look very nice yourself'. I just did not think that was keeping in line with what was outlined in DB. Kind of like not saying "i love you". If was was wrong, i was wrong. It was not done out of apathy, but out of a conscious and controlled effort to maintain what I had understood as the best path to rebuild my marriage...as counterintuitive as it was.

And it may very well be WOA are her love language. But am I supposed to show love while she is in the middle of an A? That is a serious question btw. I thought the intent was to show her what life without me was going to be like.

I honestly have no clue as to the right path. I am guessing the best I can based on what I read, and do my best to get insight when possible. Sometimes replies to questions posted do not come in time to deal with an upcoming situation and I have to revert to the safest choice.