Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[mindsin]

Here is my latest update

Wife and I are getting along OK now. We're still housemates and everything else seems to be carrying along like normal as far as our day to day routines.

I did have one slip up the other night when I caught her talking to the OM on the phone at midnight. I eavesdropped for a few minutes and it was really heartbreaking to hear the way she was talking to him.

I confronted her and asked if she had no shame. She is talking sweetly and lovingly to another man sitting on the first piece of furniture we bought together, while her husband and kids are asleep upstairs. She got defensive, and I did my best to avoid an argument. We agreed the conversation was not constructive and went up to bed (separate rooms).

The other day I called her out for the lack of attention she gives our children which has been gradually getting worse for months. She spends a lot of time/attention on her smartphone and is also addicted to online shopping.

She has made a bit of a turnaround in both areas. She says she will swear off online shopping and focus on the kids. I think the other goal for me is for her to return as the loving mom she once was.

I still give her all the space and time she wants. She wants to freely see the OM so I don't really object. She can see the displeasure in my face, and I think a little bit of her might feel guilty. This is really the hardest part for me, as I really want to put my foot down and say "enough"! I feel like I'm simply enabling her to eat her cake too. But I do not want to incite any arguments with her. She gets extremely defensive and argumentative any time I criticize the OM or their R.

I've been really stepping up around the household. I now do the majority of the chores and she has taken notice and thanked me from time to time.

I've also been interviewing for a better job and finally leaving the company she's been telling me for years I should leave. She notices the effort and is helping me along the process -- always asking me about interviews I've been on, giving me tips, etc.

I reinforce the idea that even though she's in an affair, I am still being faithful to her. She encourages me to date, but I refuse, saying that she's still my wife and I promised myself to remain faithful (since 2011, when I finally stopped seeing escorts). The other day, I went out with a friend who she knows is my "strip club buddy". I only went out to dinner with him and went straight home. She knows this, but didn't acknowledge it.

I've also been taking good care of her elderly parents and showing them much more respect than I have in the past. She jokes with her dad saying, "So you two are like best friends now?".