I've been learning a lot about the different pieces parts of our personalities and how they are formed at a very young age. In my case, I'm beginning to see how I have a FEELING SIDE...the BEHAVIOR SIDE and the EXECUTIVE/GROWN UP RATIONAL SIDE that's supposed to govern the two...
If I imagine a small Heather...cute as a BUTTON!...if I imagine myself small and a bit powerless in the world...I can easily get in touch with my feelings. She is scared a lot, as I suspect you are too...What I have been lacking in my life is a strong adult who can speak up for that feeling side and reassure myself that I can handle whatever comes. I can make decisions. I can take actions for my own good...I am able.
At some point, you must have received some message that you weren't capable of making your own decisions and that you needed to make PERFECT decisions on EVERYTHING...especially life and death stuff. And, it sounds like you perceive this man as contingent on your very life. That's simply your brain reminding you of a time when you really were dependent on someone for your own survival...in fact, that's actually a very normal response to being rejected. You have a brain that is sensing danger and is responding appropriately...this man has hurt you deeply and he is still hurting you and your brain is equating this with power. It's not necessarily love though. It may very well be just the confusion of insecurity/fear/rejection/anxiety that he now has trained in you. You are his Pavlovian dog responding to his training. He walks into a room and you become jittery. That's not love, that's a response to DANGER!
What ISN'T appropriate, however, is how you ALLOW that side of yourself to run wild. This is where you come off needy and crippled...I'm sure it drives EXBF crazy and running for the hills...but, I'm also fairly sure that a part of him likes the power he has over you. He uses it. Almost daily...And, you come here to let that poor little girl to run wild and create all kinds of havoc. She gets her fix of attention and goes back out for more.
Reign her in MM. You can do this. She needs a strong adult running the show.
EXBF is irrelevant. No one cares what kinda day he is having. Really. No one.
That little girl, however, has our full attention...She desperately needs a strong adult to keep her in check. She is like a little Helen Keller right now eating with her hands at the dinner table.
OK, I gotta admit . . . THAT ^^^^ is 100x better than my lame "pulling up the carrots" analogy. Brilliant stuff, LoisB.
And I agree with this part, especially:
Quote:
I'm sure it drives EXBF crazy and running for the hills...but, I'm also fairly sure that a part of him likes the power he has over you. He uses it. Almost daily...
