1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[Train]

Ok, I'm just gonna throw this out there:

To me? An approach in mdu's situation is kind of simple.

The days when your PMA was the highest, mdu, was when you were focused on yourself and re-discovering yourself in this "new normal." You were limiting contact with your H and letting him, for the most part, initiate contact unless/until something came up with the kids (which - and here's the good news - is often in your case).

Your outlook seemed sooo much better, and you were better able to communicate with your H. Things were progressing. I happen to believe your H was responding positively to this new-and-improved mdu who wasn't trying to control, who wasn't lashing out and who was starting to take care of herself and have some confidence that she would be fine NO MATTER WHAT.

Can you - one day at a time - take steps to get back there, mdu? Again, a good place to start is taking a break this weekend to recover from last night's blow-out.

There will be plenty of opportunities for you to put your fear and anxieties aside in front of your H; fake it 'til you make it. Again.

Your H, IMO, needs to see two things in order for you guys to reach the optimum "power dynamic" Starsky is talking about in your relationship:

1. The mdu who lets him lead and gives him a little say; the mdu who gives him uninterrupted time to work this out on his own. (This gives HIM power.)
2. The mdu who appears to LOVINGLY but FIRMLY be prepared to move on without him. (This gives YOU power.)

It's honestly the simplest, most straight-forward formula to use. It's also, FWIW, the one I used.

No pursuit, no pressure, no talks about your relationship, no mentioning OW. I'll repeat: NO MENTIONING OW. She's a NOBODY. NOTHING. In your mind, mdu, she does not EXIST. That's how it has to be. Or at least who YOU have to be in front of your H.

When you give the appearance that you're willing to move on with or without H, what does that look like?

To me, it looks like a few weeks ago when you were dressing nicely, wearing new fragrances, reading books, running, gardening, meeting with friends. That's ATTRACTIVE to your H. He was responding to that. You can use the times when you see your H to be flirty and light and breezy, as Wonka would say. We know your H responds to this. So DO IT, absolutely. But don't pursue. Don't initiate. Be that flirty, fun girl when he sees you!

But you just carry on with your life and about your business, acting as if OW is not a concern to you.

That's my .05 (adjusted for inflation) on how to get the pendulum back to the middle.

The fact, as we know it, is that OW is starting work in H's building Monday. I agree it'd be best if your H would take concrete steps to eliminate contact with OW. But *even IF he was ready to commit to that* it's not going to happen overnight, as Wonka says. Even if he finds a new job, we are looking at the simple fact that H and OW will be working together, in the same office, come Monday.

So let's work with what we've got. I, for one, believe OW being in the office - at this point - is kind of irrelevant. I think the aforementioned plan, considering H has cooled off a little and is distancing (either bc of OW ... or because of mdu's outbursts ... or a combination of BOTH), is the only way to go from here.

But that's just me.