One giant leap forward! - Part 10

[T1000]

GF came over last night.

I had a list on my phone of questions I needed answered. I let her start, I thought it would be about the kiss especially to start with but she started with her mental state.
She sat that teary eyed telling me that my actions have made her feel less and less loved and my insecurity had dwindled away at her security and the longer we have been together the less and less she loves herself.
I asked for examples where possible. She was correct on every occasion.
I told her that when we met I was very comfortable discussing our past and sex in general. The more I got to know her and fell in love with her the more I disliked the thought of her past and her seeing the attractive side of anything that wasn't related to myself.
She brought up an ex for a perfectly normal reason I wouldn't like it. If she thought someone was attractive I wouldn't like it.

Side note:
When I say I wouldn't like it, it wasn't a case of I prefer her not to, it would effect my mood completely. I would get into a fog that took a while to get out of.
Some of my actions have improved the situation and others have made it much worse.
I felt like I was on track when I read the jealousy book. I should have read it again, done the exercises and carried on learning and consuming it's advice but i put it to one side and left it.
I stopped going on Facebook because of my jealousy, just seeing her interact with other guys on there, nothing inappropriate just friends interacting. it was a bad move on my behalf as I travelled further into the fog going out of my way to avoid Facebook.

Back to it:
We talked for about 2 hours. It was very relaxed and slow paced. She said she was disgusted with herself. Didn't expect me to forgive what she has done.
Hoped that it hadn't damaged my possible trust of other people in future. I didn't let her out of that one, it has effected me and it will likely continue to. It doesn't mean I won't trust again but it's there at the back of my mind.

I told her even though what she did was completely wrong and I was devastated that it happened I hold my hand up to my part in it. I have not been what she deserved in our relationship. I had fallen back into my old routine of not loving her back and attacking her with my jealous and insecure issues.

We delved further into other things. I asked a lot of questions about how much she drank (a lot), did he buy any drinks (no), did she chat with him (no), how long was the kiss (about 5 seconds), how it ended (she pushed him away), what happened next (he walked off when she pushed him away and she went back over the her friend). He hasn't contacted her. She has removed herself from Facebook as she can't be doing with interaction right now.
She's told her Mum, sister, 3 of her friends and a work collegue. They were all dissapointed with her and she is herself.
Her friend told her that he tries it on with most drunk girls no matter their situation although it's no excuse.
She gave me a very heart felt and sincere apology.

She said that she never went out looking for someone to get off with. He paid her attention that I haven't been doing and it felt nice. She thinks that maybe on a subconscious level she did it to get a reaction from me. She asked me if this hadn't happened would anything have changed for us. A tear rolled down my face as I said no.
I admitted that words weren't enough of a head bang to wake me up.

We spoke about my interactions with W and how it effects her. We got more into the jealousy thing and she told me all the things that had made her jealous over the last few months. It was quite an eyeopener. She feels similar to what I feel but she internalizes it and moves on because it's just a feeling where as I take action (poor action) and try to fix it.

She said she didn't want to lose me but we can't go on the way we have.
The list that she sent me a few weeks ago was all true and that makes it even harder to possibly walk away from us. It was a list of everything I am. It's a list of amazing qualities that I'm very proud of but the one that is missing is any sort of loving or sexual attention from me to her.
She said leaving me would be like leaving her best friend.

She doesn't want finish but she feels deep down that it we don't finish now and I carry on the way I have we will be over within months. I agreed.
She said that I to sort my issues in my own head out before we can possibly go anywhere.

It was an exhausting and emotional conversation.


We are slowing right down. Cutting it back. She needs to experience life without depending on me for so much and I need to reset my head and work on myself. No more lifts to and from work, no more staying over every free night we have. I'm making time for my friends again.

We had planned to go to my parents garden party Friday evening. We are still doing this.

I'm not sure how this reads to a 3rd party. I'm sure this could be read and me be thought of a mug. These conversations are hard to put into words afterwards and them be anywhere near what actually went on.
2 years ago I would need a VET to give me feedback on this sort of thing before I acted on anything. I don't feel like I need the stabilisers on my bike anymore, it's my life and I have to live it. If it's the wrong decision I have myself to blame.
I believe what she says, I believe that my actions are the cause of underlying critical issues in the R.
I don't want to lose her and I want to get my sh*t sorted.

It's a tough issue to sort out, jealousy. When I'm not in a relationship I'm fine and zero way of knowing how I'm doing.
I spoke to my brother this morning. He is the least insecure/jealous person I know. I picked his brain and he explains what he does with them feelings and how to process them. It was quite helpful.
I think in certain ways I need to hit it head on. Shying away doesn't help, I've tried that for 37 years and look where I am.

I've messed up...again. I'm doing the same things that ruined my M. I need to stop or I'm not going to be suitable for any relationship.

[Fartiltre]

That sounds like an amazing talk and the conclusions both of you have made sounds reasonable and good IMO! I like the decision of slowing down and seeing where things and circumstances takes you. Sounds a lot better to me than all other decisions in fact!

Keep posting here, keep reading and educating you – I believe both will help you no matter what happens.
In short: Get back on track

[Ss06]

It sounds to me like you know yourself very well and that's impressive. You know your strengths and downfalls. I'm new but I want to encourage you to keep it up!

[T1000]

That sounds like an amazing talk and the conclusions both of you have made sounds reasonable and good IMO! I like the decision of slowing down and seeing where things and circumstances takes you. Sounds a lot better to me than all other decisions in fact!

Keep posting here, keep reading and educating you – I believe both will help you no matter what happens.
In short: Get back on track

Thanks F!

Slowing has down has been intersting. Haven't seen her since Tuesday. I miss her. I haven't missed her in a long time we've been so in each others pockets.

[T1000]

It sounds to me like you know yourself very well and that's impressive. You know your strengths and downfalls. I'm new but I want to encourage you to keep it up!

Thanks ss06,
I think I do know myself very well. It wasn't always the case. What has happened over the last two years has really made me look inside and figure me out.

[Fartiltre]

Missing is a good thing :-) ...for both of you....

[T1000]

I've been a reading a book called Romantic Jealousy. It's not an easy read, it covers the complete A-Z of jealousy, how it manifests, at what age and all other sorts of info.

As the last few days have played out, spending time without GF I have realized even more what a fog I was in and how bent out of shape my view of things was.

I went on Facebook yesterday to message and friend and saw GF had put a pic of her "bed hair" as it was really stuck out and looked funny. I looked at it and realized that last week it would have been a thing for me. I would have quietly resented it and plunge further into my jealous pit.
I'm at that point now where Iknow it's wrong but I can see what could have caused me issues. It's a strange point to be at, like a split personalilty.

[T1000]

Missing is a good thing :-) ...for both of you....

You are so right! I'm not just seeing her tonight because I can I'm seeing her because I cannot bloody wait to! I like this feeling!

[labug]

There are 2 people, with all their crap, in every R. It's not all you but you're the only one you have any control over.

You're unpacking that big bag-o-crap, that's good.

WE don't usually find self-esteem or happiness within a R. We have to find it within ourselves and take it into the R. Make sense? Other people can't give us those things or take them away.

Keep working. I admire you for your honesty and willingness to do the hard work.

[T1000]

Thought I would do a quick update. I find journaling hard if I don't have a bad issue to deal with so this a bit of a behaviour change for me.


I've just had my kids for the last 8 days and I'm taking them back tomorrow. It's been so good! Prob won't have them longer than weekend until xmas now. The weird thing is thats feels totally normal.

I'm currently only in contact with W via her mother for the kids or her L. The other week she kept the kids from me for 3 weeks to punish me. After I did see the kids they were upset when I dropped them off and she was asking why...so I told her my thoughts. She blew up in the street going crazy! I left. Her mother emailed me having a go, W had fabricated a story about me and gf shouting and swearing at her in the street and kids getting upset.
I phoned her mother, told her what had happened, she had a lot to say, a large amount of it was total rubbish W had told her. I told her what had happened about not be able to see or skype the kids. She seemed surprised and said it wasn't right and that for the time being I should contact W through her.
I have agreed for now. It's a bit long winded and slow but it's kinda nice to have a half decent straight thinking semi fair person as a middle man that has a little bit of influence on W.


Looking at my R with gf I came to the realization that I tend to completely remove affection and just do things for her. As much as she appreciates things being done for her it's the love she needs to feel.
I flipped that around, if i feel the urge to do something for her, whether I still do it or not I show her some affection. It feels good.
It's funny, when I do things like this I sometimes wonder what difference it would have made in my M.
I believe it would have done wonders. The only thing now is I don't think my W is a very nice person. Even after completely removing all the negativity from the BD, the lying, the D, the money, the kids....she just isnt a person I would like to have anything to do with.
I feel like a bit of an idiot, I put up with so much nasty things before and after we got married.
Gf never attacks me because her life isn't going to plan, sometimes I find myself waiting for it but it never comes. I have some personal traits that W used to scold me for, I'm not the most social person, thats not to say I'm rude or a hermit or anything it's just not my thing.
Gf is fine with this and accepts me. To W I was a miserable bastard.
There is lot more to it than that, thats just an example.
I realize I may be slightly jaded from the last few years.

I find strange that in the time I have been with Gf W and I moved in together, got engaged and started planning the wedding. Way too soon.
At the end of the day I wouldn't have my kids without her and that will always count for something.


I received W's financial statement the other week.
At first look it appeared as though she was struggling. After going through her statements with a fine toth comb and noticed she hasn't claimed some massive amounts of money it isn't the case.

I have a really good job and I'm paid well above the average wage. When you add up all the state benefits, tax breaks, child maintenance blah blah etc. After tax W's income is 25% more than I get! Thats unbelievable!
My statements are house bills, debt bills and very limited food bills.
Hers are house bills, debt bills and massive food bills. Eating out, makeup, clothes, shoes, holidays, nightclubs, money from boyfriend, money to boyfriend, amazon, ebay and on and on...
Her monthly food bill is my 3-4 month food bill. It's totally ridiculous.

Hopefully it will work in my favour. Shes claiming she desperately needs spousal maintenance and that I'm improving my home entertainment system while she gets further into debt struggling to cope. Luckily her statement shows the opposite. She's stated that she isn't in an R but again her statement show the opposite.

Being able to not work at all and earn the same as a bank manger or doctor. Makes me wonder what chance I had to repair the M in the first place. Shes now living the monetary life she wanted years ago with luxery of not having to actually work.


I think that will do for now. Hope everyone is keeping their chin up.