Starsky, to your point about the power equilibrium being off. I feel and have thought a lot about that too. I feel like H is trying to gain some power here (and obviously I'm letting him). I think the truth is he has felt very powerless in our M for many years. If I'm really honest with myself, I controlled quite a lot of things. If I think about it, my emotional outbursts have been a form of control. He's not tolerating it anymore, which in a way is good. But it's almost like he's swinging the pendulum too far the other way. I really think that's why he does not want to give in completely, he sees my requests as more demands/control over him and doesn't want that anymore. And obviously I'm letting him have the upper hand right now, I suppose out of my own fear and guilt.
I'm talking about power, not control.
I've never seen a successful reconciliation yet where the power dynamic wasn't such that the formerly-wayward spouse believed that it was up to them to "earn their way back." They may or not EVER express true remorse verbally (many don't, sadly, and some of us need to hear that), but their ACTIONS are such that they are remorseful, and the POWER DYNAMIC is such that they are acting like it is UP TO THEM to clean up the mess.
Sometimes the betrayed spouse already had the upper-hand, power-wise, in the marriage and sometimes they didn't and had to learn it thru DBing and affair-busting, but they got that upper hand and maintained it during the early part of reconciling.
I believe the healthiest marriages are a "50/50" power dynamic, don't get me wrong. Maybe 55/45 or 60/40 in one direction or another, but anything more than that is unhealthy.
HOWEVER . . . after the damage of an affair. . . I do believe that TEMPORARILY, the betrayed spouse needs to assume more power, if they are to be able to articulate what they need to their formerly wayward spouse and if they are to be able to enforce their boundaries, etc. As my wife and I pieced, the relationship power returned to its 50/50 equilibrium slowly between 6 months and 2 years, but there was no mistaking during that time -- that while I forgave her EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY, there were still things I needed and we were very clear with each other on that.
I'm just not seeing that from you and your husband. Wonka's belief may be different, or it may even be just a "not yet you don't" (see it), but I hope that explains where I'm coming from with my advice.
