1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[Train]

mdu,

I have to be honest. I was on here last night, reading your posts. I have written responses no fewer than half-a-dozen times ... from the first synopsis of your conversation last night ... and have deleted all of them before hitting "submit."

Wonka and Starsky have covered each and every point I've made in those responses, and they've done it eloquently.

I have an opinion, of course. And my opinion is based on what worked for me. But did I question it? Yes. My H, too, seemed to respond best when I was light and flirty. No doubt about it. But it got the point, mdu, when his responses kind of became, well, irrelevant. Why? Because even though he was responding well, he wasn't committing. He was, in actuality, CAKE-EATING. Getting the best of both worlds: her AND me. And I was still left alone, taking care of the kids, wondering whether H was with OW. And to be honest? I've discovered since he's been home that he WAS with her, all while responding to my niceties.

Going dark was the best thing I ever did for me AND my M. I call it a "modified going dark," because with children, going dark isn't really feasible. When H was around to pick up/drop off the kids, I used those moments to give him glimpses of the new-and-improved Train. He saw me dressed, ready to go out. And he started getting really curious. (It's okay, after all, for THEM to move on. But for US, too? Ha. Not so fast!) I did not initiate conversation with him unless it had something to do with the kids.

I think Wonka, Starsky and I are in agreement on one thing: Right now, you need to go as dark as possible. This isn't to get a reaction out of your H. It's to give YOU a chance to recover.

mdu, you simply cannot continue to allow your anxieties and insecurities to trample the progress you've made.

I agree with Starsky: I don't think your H is ready; I read that ALL OVER the conversation you two had last night. I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, mdu, but we MUST identify a pattern so you can address it. You said yourself your H was not in the mood to talk last night. And you pushed through anyway with a million questions he didn't want to answer.

I'll throw him a bone: he answered them. And he answered them, suggesting that he was planning to minimize contact with OW as much as possible in the workplace. We also MUST consider the predicament he's in: he was drawing closer to you, enjoying this new mdu, when - surprise! - OW is in touch and says she's moving her work desk 20' from him. Think about how precarious of a situation that is; I wouldn't want to answer questions about it, either! He probably doesn't have the first clue how he'll handle it; this is all new for him, too. Remember: the WASs have feelings, too. They're scared and full of fear and confusion ... and A LOT of guilt.

But, I agree with Starsky, and this is the point I made in every response I've written and deleted: I don't think your H is ready. He hasn't yet figured out the wreck he's made of your M.

And, mdu, I don't think you're ready, either.

Until or unless you can really get control over your anxiety and outbursts when you're out of control, your M is just not going to work.

And this is the reason that rushing things and trying to get your H home right now is absolutely 100% futile.

I disagreed with the Plan B approach when it was pitched to me. It was just too hardcore for me. And I felt it was SUCH a huge move that it would have to be executed with perfect precision, and I knew that setting up a mediator to handle our children just was not okay with me.

But I also didn't subscribe to a "Plan A" approach after H trampled on my feelings and my heart so much while I made myself available to him.

There is absolutely no reason to "woo" your H back to you if he cannot commit - through words AND ACTIONS - to your M. To put yourself out there like that demonstrates little to no self-respect, in my opinion.

I know we've suggested the more firm stance before, and you've rejected it. I tried to stand beside you on that, because it seemed to work at the time. But here we are. Slightly new twist with the OW moving into town. We need to regroup. And backing off your H is the best first step to do that. I know OW coming in on Monday is going to weigh heavily on you this weekend. It's also weighing heavily on your H. TRY to GAL and stay busy. And away from your phone.

If you need to vent, we'll be here over the weekend. Use us instead of your H. That's why we are here.