I came across this post on the MLC forum (I do believe my W has been in a MLC for the past 2 years of so) and then waited for an escape to become a WAW.
PATIENCE-You will need a large quantity of patience. If you lack patience, you will first need to acquire it before proceeding with the recipe.
PMA-A consistent Positive Mental Attitude is necessary in dealing with the insanity of your spouses MLC. Without this ingredient, the recipe will be a failure.
FAITH-You need a strong faith, and to believe this experience is about lessons God wants you to learn. That in all crisis situations in life, is when we learn and grow the most. Put your trust in God. What ever happens will be Gods will.
PERSAVERENCE-You will need to find this special ingredient. There will be many times when you want to give up. Without this ingredient you might as well scrap the recipe and ask for a divorce. Perseverance can be found deep within yourself, you just have to look for it.
PRAYERS-You will need a daily dose of prayers. You cannot survive this journey alone, you need to ask God for help. Ask God to give you the strength to not give up and to guide you on your journey.
LISTENING SKILLS-Good listening skills are necessary for your spouse to trust you and be open with you. Do not try and defend yourself, it will just make your spouse withdraw.
LEARNING SKILLS-This recipe would not be complete without good learning skills. You need to read and understand as much as you can about MLC, it will help you in dealing with your spouse, and be less angry towards them. Knowledge will give you greater strength and make you feel more in control of your life.
EMPATHY-You will need this ingredient as you learn more about MLC, and have a better understanding of the pain and turmoil your spouse is feeling inside themselves.
COMMITMENT-Without a commitment to never, never, ever give up, you will bale out early from all the pain and agony. Remember, no pain, no gain.
FORGIVENESS-You will need to learn how to forgive your spouse, and to forgive yourself. "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself."
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE-You will have to discover the meaning of unconditional love, that no matter what you or your spouse has done to hurt each other, or misbehaved during your marriage, you will need to love each other and yourselves unconditionally.
LIFES LESSONS-You will need to learn life’s lessons. That throughout our lives, we grow Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. That this MLc experience is a great opportunity for both you and your spouse to grow, and learn all that you are supposed to learn at this stage of life.
LETTING GO- You will need to finally detach or "Let Go" of your spouse. Set them free. You have no control over whether they return or not. If they decide to return, it will be because of how you have treated them and acted towards them through their MLC journey. By letting go, you will be giving your spouse the space they need to work things out themselves.
TIME-Lots of time is needed for this recipe to work. If you don't give your spouse the proper amount of time they need, you will lose them. It is their journey, they are in control of how much time they need. Don't try and rush things. It's probably a good time to toss in another handful of PATIENCE, you can never add to much to this recipe.
SENSE OF HUMOR-After you have found and mixed together all the ingredients listed above, it is time to lighten up and enjoy life. A good sense of humor will get you through the most trying times. Trust me, it doesn't get anymore trying then dealing with a spouses MLC, not even the death of someone close to you.
The greatest chance for success with this recipe is to consistently add all of the ingredients. Do not forget any one ingredient, or put to little amount into the mix. You may need to tweak the recipe for your own taste.
There is no MAGICE ingredient that will cure MLC. It requires a well thought out plan and process. There are no shortcuts.
I am going to list ingredients that have been used in past recipes for dealing with MLC. It has been shown that these ingredients do not work and should not be used.
Do not use these ingredients:
BEGGING, PLEADING, CRYING-Do not use these ingredients as they have done nothing more than push the spouse with MLC further away.
CONTROL/MANIPULATE-Use of these two ingredients will lead straight to disaster. Trying to control you spouse will them run very fast and very far away.
THREATS-Threatening your spouse with divorce will do nothing more than aggravate the situation. it will not make your spouse desire to return home.
FIXING, CHANGING, CONVINCING YOUR SPOUSE- Forget trying to fix or change your spouse, that's not your job. As far as trying to convince your spouse that what they are doing is wrong. Save your breath.
ANGER-Do not become angry towards your spouse. They will return to you greater anger. Give love and, ACT AS IF you are happy and life is good to you.
GUILT-Trying to make your spouse feel guilty about leaving you and the kids will not work. Your spouse is very self-centered at this time, they only think of what they want. They are tired of trying to take care of everyone else’s needs while neglecting their own.
ACCUSATIONS/BLAMING-Accusing your spouse or blaming them for all the problems in your relationship will do no good. They are already convinced their unhappiness in life is because their married to you. So don't go there.
DEFENDING-When your spouse tries to tell you what it is they don't like about you, don't try and defend yourself. Just sit there and listen, give them full eye contact and validate what they are saying. You don't have to agree with them, but you need to validate that what they think and feel to them is the truth. Whether it is or not, it does not matter.
As you work with the RECIPE FOR SUCCESS, you will learn more about what works and what doesn't. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
