Wife moved out need help!!!

[25yearsmlc]

The biggest changes have been including her in plans and decisions. I am spending time with her because it had gotten to the point we only went out once a month. You have to understand we have two sons who are active in a lot of sports. So during the weekends we had three to five games each day.


Let me be blunt. I had an athletic scholarship for college, my h was an athlete, and 2 of our 3 kids are athletes - so I understand the need and love for sports. But 3-5 games a day is too much. Yes, it is too much.

Even if your sons are qualified for the Olympics (which is literally the only thing I can see as justifying that much of a FAMILY commitment,) it would require everyone in the family to support it. Clearly they all don't.

This insanely busy and sports only focus on weekends, REALLY needs to change in a big way. At the very least, someone else needs to start driving them...
If you ignore this, you do so at your peril.

What are your daughters doing when their brothers are being watched and driven everywhere?

And so, to sum up your wife's lifestyle as of 2 months ago...

your wife works full time at a job that I assume is somewhat, or very demanding? And she does some or a lot of the housework (or was), b/c otherwise she feels it's too messy and stinks for her to come home to a messy house after working all day....and for her free time, she is supposed to shuttle her kids from game to game, and or watch them, and that was her life?

Yeah I can see how her needs were not met by a long shot. I sense the feeling of being trapped. Especially since she was not a part of the decisions that dictated her life. That alone would be very alienating..

I know she felt alone because we were out of the house when she was home.

Then she felt a reflection of reality, Because she was actually either all alone, or surrounded by everyone, right?

I spend a lot of time with the kids and go out with friends and family. I don't call her and let her contact me. From what I have been reading I need to reconnect with her and she wants that. There were a lot of stressors in our house that have been taken care of. We needed a change and I think she did the only thing she thought would make a change one way or the other.



This^^ might well be true. But what stressors were there that are now "all taken care of" other than a messy house?

See, if you don't make sure that you are making the NEEDED changes and getting NEW TOOLS for handling things, then you'll be back here soon enough.

Don't think a few months of keeping the house cleaner and making date nights is going to suffice. There is a lot going on under the surface and I really think you ought to go to Retrovaille, or some other marriage workshop and "efficiently" get some help for the marriage.

(I say workshops are more 'efficient" than some MC, b/c even though weekly sessions can lead to breakthroughs, then you have to go pick up the kids or go back to work and start all over the next week.

The progress is very fragmented, and that's when you have a good marriage counselor. God forbid you don't. So for my h and I, we found weekend workshops to be much faster and more productive in terms of tools and implementing changes we wanted...and making new action plans for our marriage.)

Retrovaile is a long weekend retreat for marriages in crisis (and yours is in crisis). There are couples there on "team" and they tell you all their stories and their problems and how they worked thru them using tools they got at Retrovaille.

They'll give you some tools that you presently lack and it's pretty inspiring to hear their stories and tribulations, and yet seem them together now. No, You do NOT have to be Catholic or even Christian to attend (my h is not), but the word "God" is used there, so if that's a problem, ask them for another version for you to attend.

They have a very impressive success record, especially since MANY of the couples attending, were planning on a divorce when they first came. But 5 years later, 20 of the 25 couples are still together. If you can get her to go, you won't regret it.

As far as our sex life it was pretty bad for awhile passive aggressive attitudes. Her biggest problem was the condition of the house which the boys and I have been on top of.

What does "passive aggressive" mean in terms of your sex life and on whose part? Also, a lot of women find laundry on the floor to be a turn off, especially if they know THEY are going to be the ones who end up dealing with it...it's not a mood enhancer.

If you feel that you and the boys are going to be on top of it from now on, I guess it's "all fixed" but what about hiring a housecleaner a few times a month?

I am asking b/c I'm not sure how long you will keep this up. I assume she mentioned it many times before but only when she wanted out of the house, did you bother to make the changes.

She may feel "too little too late" and is trying to feel "in love" again. That is when a little mystery on your end could help. Be confident and attractive and get those tools so you know a lot more about how SHE Is feeling. NO more guessing.

And do get the Five Love Languges book. And read Db or DR again b/c they are really helpful to know and take in. Many people here skim parts of it and glom on only to the "easy" parts where things get magically better really fast.

In truth this is a marathon, not a sprint. If you think a wife and mother of 4 would move out of her house even part time, lightly, you'd be mistaken. Something very deep is troubling her. Don't worry about the weird lies; they make sense to me. She wants people to see her as less confused than she is, and probably needs that.

Don't confront her in front of others if you feel the need to ask, then do it in private and come from a place of "how can I support you" rather than judgement.

Do you understand what I'm suggesting?

I think there are lots of positives in your situation but it's a fragile situation and you could blow it. Ease up and do some digging deep and bravely and own what you should own.

Also are there any financial problems you could help with by going back to work or working part time at least? Could you switch places with her and offer her the chance to be a Sahm?

I think the more she feels she has a choice in things, the less trapped she'll feel. That feeling of choice and freedom definitely eases the underlying stress in our lives.

Food for thought.