Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[25yearsmlc]

Matt, I get that you are having a hard time with this. It's very painful. And it feels super unfair. A lot of it is. But your focus is still way way too much on your w.

Your posts and maybe your life is all about how you will react to whatever SHE does or says or what you think she thinks or feels. You need to proactively live your life. Stop making it all about her choices.

You can't let her decide if you will be happy today or in an hour, based on a comment she makes or a bill that you get. But in effect that is what you are doing by making your life all about being a victim of her choices. Don't give her all your power.

Let's look at some things you need NOT focus on so much...

Ugh!
Just got the new phone bill. My W insisted that even though she was still living at home at the time, she needed to get her own phone plan (that costs double).Fine, I switched out plans, I took my oldest D19 on my plan (the most expensive) and she put D14 on her plan.


Matt, so YOU made this^^ choice. I would stop doing that and thinking that avoidance of conflict is good.It's just a delay of conflict (like continuing to complain about her taking furniture WHILE letting her do it again and again. Who is stopping you from saying "no"?)

Send her the bill with the explanation calmly printed out, and say that you hope now that she "has this additional information" she can understand why you feel it's only right she pay it.

Stop bringing up how much SHE earns, versus you. That's not a powerful position for you. IT's more victimhood Even if it's true, it's not helping you - and DBing is about doing what works.


It took her weeks to get around to doing her part. I just got the bill and it turns out I'm being charged $100 for HER phone and an "upgrade fee" because she got a new phone. So, I text her tell her her # showed up and if she wanted to just write me a check and I'll pay it. Well, the woman who makes 10 times what I do texts back that she payed the last bill (when she lived at home) and this was just a "prorated" thing so I need to pay it! It is NOT a prorated thing, it's her first month and "upgrade fee" and she needs to pay it! I can't believe this woman! She takes home over $1000 a week after taxes and knows I'm barely making it and she wants me to pay HER bill!


Matt, this^^ is repetitive complaining and the only use for venting is when it helps you unwind. A lot of times venting keeps us stuck or going in circles and not taking an exit ramp off the "loop". I see you venting here, but you're NOT unwinding at all, you're winding UP and spiraling, and then returning a day or two later and spinning your wheels again.

What GAL activities are you doing? What are your 180s? What are you doing for YOUR LIFE TO IMPROVE?

She is just unbelieveable! The woman who stayed at home for over 15 years many of them after she could have gone back to work and I made enough to pay all the bills and keep 2 kids in private school,


About that private school...i know a change at this age is hard. We had our 2 oldest change high schools with moves, and it iS hard. But Just so you know, my h and I both went to public schools and so did our kids. We and they all ended up at excellent colleges, and graduated with honors.

I want you to know that attending a public school is not exactly a plunge into a 3rd world existence.

Maybe your d's were really lucky to have attended private schools for as long as they did, or maybe that tuition could have been used for college now... but my h and I put ourselves thru all of our schooling including, 2 medical degrees and law school)
so I think if your d's are motivated enough, they'll get thru a 4 year program somewhere decent.

Don't blame every single bad event on your w's choice to leave. And don't teach your d's to do that either. At some point you and your d's will have to live with the choices YOU make in this situation. You are not responsible for your w's choices but you are responsible for yours. It's time to make the best of the situation and play the cards you were dealt, as well as you can play them.

Do you see how you have allowed a lot of this? Like by letting your wife take all the furniture ---b/c apparently you told her she could (or that things were not important to you??)...

Hey if that is so, then you have to stop being so angry about it. OR tell her you changed your mind. But If it's not true, if you did not tell her that, then speak up to her.

Some of this is stuff you are allowing and some if it you are even creating. You need to recognize that, and own your choices to manage your sandbox. We all do.

Make sense?



who knows that $100 is a lot harder for me to handle wants ME to pay for HER new phone upgrade! What is wrong with this woman? Oh, wait she's deep in "all about me" land where stealing from me is OK. I guess I just forgot that she is the center of the universe for a min. I should charge her for the flour and sugar she took!

I'm just at the point where I have no expectations of her and she still finds ways to piss me off! Money is a weird thing with her and always has been. Even the kids talk about how weird my W is when it comes to money. She always thinks that she is going to go broke any day and the world is going to come to an end! Funny how when I was making the money she didn't have a problem spending on her new clothes and sexy underwear and bathing suits and shoes, going out with her friends (when I would say we should go out for dinner she would say we can't afford it then go out with her work friends the next day!).


Matt, this^^ is stinking thinking and mind reading big time. It gets you nowhere. You are still going in anger circles. Take the exit ramp, go to a scenic overlook and STOP AND BREATHE...

Take it easy. Slow down and stop "venting" b/c it is not helping you at all. It's keeping you stuck in victimhood.

FYI, when I read my old posts from years ago, they make me mad all over again. It's not useful or healthy to recite all the reasons I had for being angry or hurt. So I don't do that anymore. I'd urge you not to keep going over the grievance list from the marriage.

It's not helping you to do that, and though there are other reasons for not doing it, that's the main one. It's not helping you.


I texted her back that she was wrong about the "prorated" thing and that she needs to pay this but she has ignored that. Oh, well I know I will get an angry response since I told her she was "wrong" about something! I forgot, since B-day she is NEVER wrong about anything! I need to just relax and let this go but I'll be danged if she just doesn't seem to find a way to just get under my skin!

Matt you are letting her under your skin. When you start feeling more in control of your life this will lessen. And you need to be in control of your life b/c it's your responsibility.

So let's figure out what YOU are doing for YOU and your future...can you make your next post about that and maybe other things going on with your d's? Not about your wife..I promise you it will help your heart to heal if you don't keep picking at the scab and focussing on it.

Can you tell us one FUN thing you are doing this month? And any other GAL plans? And again, what 180s are you doing? Matt, where are you in the Div Remedy book?

Also, your d's are watching you and they need a rock for a father.

A rock father is a man they can rely on to be strong and in control of himself. A man who isn't spinning his wheels and fuming all the time about what his wife did to him that day...

and the more you act out this way (reacting to every thing she says or does --or you think she thinks or says or does)

the more you teach them to give away their life's happiness and power to others. Not a lesson you want to pass on to your kids.

MATT--- I think you have a real chance to be the "Rock Father" your d's need.

You can be there for your girls, to model what a man of honor, strength & dignity does in times of adversity.
Never criticize their mom to them or in front of them. She is the mother of your children and you must show them that women deserve respect even when they act out (b/c they are young women and you need to teach them not to have men in their lives who would mistreat them).

Try not to show them so much of your fears and worries b/c they must already be terrified that their worlds are falling apart. And Blaming your wife for everything isn't in your d's best interests. I really do believe you want what is best for them, so Wouldn't it be better to tell them & show them, how you'll help them adapt?
(IOW, reassure them of how you and they will still be alright in the end.)

By you behaving calmly, with strength & confidence about where YOU are going in your life, and how important your d's are to you, how loved they are, how kind and loving you are, Matt---understand ---

What a contrast you will be, to their weird selfish grandfather....and they WILL notice this. You need not point it out. Just BE the contrast.

.